Act 5 , Scene 11: Devotion

Perseverance (noun):
- steady persistence in a course of action, a purpose, a state, etc., esp. in spite of difficulties, obstacles, or discouragement.

Devotion (noun):
- ardent, often selfless affection and dedication, as to a person
- feelings of ardent love
- earnest attachment to a cause, person, etc.

Yesterday, another friend of mine said she didn't agree with what I'm doing in my blog. As of today, 4 people have said they disagreed. For them, and the rest who haven't voiced your displeasure, the first definition is for you.

This was our conversation. It's abridged. Hope you don't mind ya? =)

Her (NOT Princess): Seems like you're in a tight spot.

Me: To me, I'm fine. I'm in love with a girl who has a boyfriend and who tells me we can only be friends.But sometimes I see her second-guessing herself.

Her: Yup, pretty much sums it up.

Me: (cont'd) Like as if she's questioning herself if she can allow me to be more but convincing herself at the same time that I can't. So I have what is called HOPE. I have alot of that actually. That's my flaw. I'm always thinking wishfully and in the end I'll usually get hurt. But then again, life's pretty boring if I always get things my way.

Her: I think so too. Ultimately, you'll get hurt. As an outsider reading, it seems she is misleading you or being selfish. But you seem to be willing to be treated this way.

*PAUSE*

Ok. Princess has always made it clear her position. She is not leading me on. I am leading myself on. We agreed on this.

*PLAY*

Me: Hmm, please don't think badly of her. She's told me many times it can not be. I'm taking the risk and whatever rewards or pain that I feel, It's my doing. I am only showing her what we could have been.

Her: I know. But she allows you to care for her.

Me: If she changes her mind, good. If she doesn't, I wouldn't regret the way I have treated her. It would have been the same even if she was just a friend. That's how I treated H, remember? The way I always brought food for her and always made sure she had something to eat. Whether she eats them or not is not my concern. As long as I've shown my concern, I've done my part. I'm that kind of guy la.

Her: Ok. Slightly more than a friend la?

Me: Some people may think it's good. Many think its not. But its a concern borne out of friendship. And the most important thing is that it's genuine. I mean, it's not like a front I'm putting up that's gonna stop when we're not friends or have an argument.

Her: Yea. I can 'feel' that too. You're that kind of person.

Me: Haha. Thank you.

Her: I'm just concerned for you if it doesn't turn out the way you want it to. I mean, it's like you're falling for the wrong person, or the timing's just wrong.

Me: Hmm, then at least I have a great friendship. I don't see the time and effort that I've spent on her as wasted. I'd still do it even if she was just a friend. If things don't turn out, I just hope she learns something from it.

Her: *smiles*

Me: I'm sure there's someone out there who fits into what she's looking for and who can give her as much as I'm giving her right now. I don't fit but I'm not bitter about it. It also means she may not be the one for me, yet. But I can't help it if I'm so in love with her, cos it's already happened. I just like to express myself.

Me: WHENEVER I WRITE ABOUT HER, IT'S NOT TO ASK FOR SYMPATHY.IT'S TO LET EVERYONE KNOW HOW MUCH I ENJOY DOING IT FOR HER BECAUSE, WELL, IT MEANS, I GET TO SPEND TIME WITH HER AND NOTHING ELSE MAKES ME HAPPIER THAN THAT.

Her: That's really sweet.

Me: Haha. She doesn't realise that la.

Her: It's really nice la.

Me: She says she can't have feelings for me cos she's in love with her boyfriend. But from the way she talks to me, I know she's not tuned to what I'm saying and doing for her. So it's abit hard to prove it to her, but I keep trying.

Her: Hopefully, one day, she'll feel for you.

Me: Hopefully la. Haha..now I've infected you with my HOPE.

__________________________________________________________


I wish I could have had that conversation with everyone who's told me to move on.

I guess I'm kinda devoted to Princess. But I still believe I love her as a friend before I am in love with her. Haha. Hope that made sense cos it did to me. =)

Yesterday Princess was in NIE. I met her for a few seconds only but she looked so flustered I thought she was in trouble. We had sms-ed each other in the morning and she kinda went quiet after I said some stuff. After which she didn't reply other than asking for directions. I didn't wanna push things cos we'd argued the day before so I left her and went for lunch. After which I left school to go to Johor to fill up the fuel tank. Then I got a message from her asking me where I was. I called to tell her I had gone off and we managed a few minutes before she had to go again. Then she messaged me again asking me about the location of the toilets before once again, she called me to ask me where I was. I was at the passport clearance station into Singapore so I had to put down the phone.

Stopping after the checkpoint, I called her again and again we had a short chat while she was buying food. It's hard to explain but I was so happy I got to talk to her for that few minutes each time, although the combined time would not have exceeded 10 minutes. But I was happy cos we haven't talked for 2 days.

That evening, I finally got her on the phone for more than a few minutes. She was walking home from tuition and as always, I'll always volunteer to keep her company. Haha. I love it when she complains. Cos she usually just talks and talks and I'll just listen intently and try to offer solutions. I hope it makes her feel better, though.

Then today, I finally got to fetch her from work. We didn't have much time and she was extremely fatigued after the whole of Monday in NIE and today, having to do a briefing. So she was pretty grumpy when I met her. But her mood changed when I got her some puffs from Esso to eat plus her favourite Pokka Green Tea. Haha. Tips for pleasing Princess.

Went to Yishun dam so she could complete her meal and we got to talking. Was really nice to see the change in her and seeing her being so jovial. Maybe it was from being with me? Haha. =)

Then at 715, dropped her off at her tuition with the promise of a return trip at 9. So off I went to Yishun Dam again to watch the airplanes fly.

Was really windy and cos of my own fatigue from sleeping at 1 this morning, I started sneezing. Walked around abit to warm myself up. There were really alot of airplanes around Seletar Airport today. Dunno why.

So anyway, fetched Nur at 9 and sent her home.

And as I was going down the stairs, I thought about the movie, Love Actually, where the character of the author is driving his housekeeper home and he says in English, 'This is the saddest part of my day; because I have to send you home.'. And the housekeeper replies in Portugese, 'This is the happiest part of my day; because I get to spend time with you.'. AWWWW.... =) Haha. Princess says she doesn't like the movie (she doesn't enjoy romantic movies). But the first time I saw that scene, I went, 'Oh my God..that's so perfect. The writer's a genius.'. It's cos they don't understand each other's languages but the feeling they felt was mutual. Hai..I wonder if Princess feels that way. =)

Ok so anyway, tomorrow's my last day of school for the week cos my math tutor's on reservist. So holiday starts on Thursday til next Sunday. Haha. Next week is Recess week. =) More time to spend with Princess. YAAY!

I love, Nur.