All my life, my decisions have been made with your consultations. And all my life, I believed it was the right thing to do. But that does not mean I have not looked back and wondered what life would have been like if I did not make some of those decisions.
I can name a few where if I had gone against your word, life would have been very different. Of course, in such a biased view, I would have expected it to turn out for the best. But things rarely do and being who I am, I will learn. That's the problem. You never allowed me to experience pain and hardship because you coddled me. Yes, it's for the best but sometimes I wish I had learnt something.
Now I am at a crossroad in my life. And she's someone I am keeping my options open on. We are friends. Why couldn't, and shouldn't we be more? Because she's another statistic?
I wish sometimes you'd just let go of your pride and let me live the way I want. For 23 years, I've given you all that I can, mostly without questions. Why can't you be happy and pray for the best for my decisions. Yes, she carries alot of baggage, but wouldn't it be great if I can help her carry it for the rest of our lives together?
For 23 years, I have displayed a level-headedness beyond my age. What makes you think I haven't thought this through? But like I've said, I'm not in love. We're just friends. Which makes what happened in the car earlier that much more difficult for me to understand.
Why were you freaking out and screaming that you do not want me to keep seeing her? What wrong has she ever done to you? In any case, what wrong have I done to you, in relation to her? Haven't I fulfilled my role as a son? Why can't you be happy for me for once and to stop and think that this is what is best for me?
In any case, any girl I've told you about was never good enough for you. And maybe subconsciously, you've been praying that I never meet one that is. I know that is thinking the worst of you, but aren't you doing the same to me and her?
Now, you've closed the door. And all the goodness I've felt before has gone away. What am I supposed to do now?
What can I do now...
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Act 3, Scene 7: Right now
Mum's having menopause again so I'm holing up in my room trying to block out all the hurtful words. I dunno why but everytime she goes through her menopausal episodes, she takes out her anger on me. Anyway, I honestly believe we don't have a good relationship anymore. And it's not like I don't try. =(
I had a very nice week though. But it's left me confused. And I don't really like what I'm starting to feel. So I need to make a decision soon.
For the past week, we've been seeing each other almost every day. Most times, I'd send her to work and we'll have the few minutes when we'd talk. We've also had dinner on Tuesday and supper on Wednesday. But on Thursday, she had gone to a concert with a friend. And I dunno why but I felt a tinge of jealousy. Just a tinge but I hate that feeling. Why? Because she's not my girlfriend; so why do I feel that way?
Over the past 2 days, we've not been talking much. She had lots of things on yesterday and I was out till early in the morning anyway. But I realised that maybe she did not wanna talk and I felt crappy again.. =(
And today she told me she'd made plans with another guy friend and again that tinge of jealousy.
I guess the problem is me. I've a huge inferiority complex and seeing her out with other guys, no matter how much I try to suppress it, I feel crappy. But I haven't told her so far. I just hope I won't have to because I know how much of a fool I would look like if I did. And anyway I'd scare her away..
So what am I supposed to do now?
I'm not in love... I wish I could just believe that myself...
I had a very nice week though. But it's left me confused. And I don't really like what I'm starting to feel. So I need to make a decision soon.
For the past week, we've been seeing each other almost every day. Most times, I'd send her to work and we'll have the few minutes when we'd talk. We've also had dinner on Tuesday and supper on Wednesday. But on Thursday, she had gone to a concert with a friend. And I dunno why but I felt a tinge of jealousy. Just a tinge but I hate that feeling. Why? Because she's not my girlfriend; so why do I feel that way?
Over the past 2 days, we've not been talking much. She had lots of things on yesterday and I was out till early in the morning anyway. But I realised that maybe she did not wanna talk and I felt crappy again.. =(
And today she told me she'd made plans with another guy friend and again that tinge of jealousy.
I guess the problem is me. I've a huge inferiority complex and seeing her out with other guys, no matter how much I try to suppress it, I feel crappy. But I haven't told her so far. I just hope I won't have to because I know how much of a fool I would look like if I did. And anyway I'd scare her away..
So what am I supposed to do now?
I'm not in love... I wish I could just believe that myself...
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Act 3, Scene 6: Master class in Defensive Driving
Ok. Lesson commencing.
I was driving along Yishun Ave 2 today after sending my mum to work, when I encountered a road bully. Now, those of you who know me personally will know that sometimes I am a road bully myself; but not in the manner normally associated with them. For one, I only use my skills to humiliate other drivers; not to hurt them. So all they leave with is a bruised pride and nothing else.
So anyway, in front of me was a maroon Toyota Corolla. We were driving in front of the sports complex, near where the speed camera is located. As you can tell, the speed limit in the area is 60 km/h. He was driving along at 40 km/h. At first I gave him the benefit of the doubt and just drove behind him. But after having to endure 1 full minute of his slow driving, I glanced into his car. Windows untinted, I could clearly see him bending over the dashboard as he tried to hide and use his cell phone. At this point, there was a clear 30m between him and the vehicle in front. To warn him that he was holding up traffic, I sounded my horn for about 3 seconds. The shock of it jolted him out of using his phone but he suddenly turned aggressive. He braked suddenly in front of me (how do I know? Because he had a clear 30 m from the vehicle in front, remember?). Seeing that he was turning malicious, I switched lanes to the right. This is the first step in defensive driving: take yourself out of the fight. As I was switching lanes, he tried to brake suddenly in front of me again, but I managed to avoid him. Second rule of defensive driving: Always protect yourself and your car first. Do whatever is necessary to avoid a collision. So when he did that, I instinctively put up my finger. You know which finger so don't ask.
So he got more agitated that I had just fingered off his manouvere and he caught up on my left. He then suddenly swerved into my lane. Again, I countered his manouvere by switching back to the left. Again, I fingered him for trying that manouvere. But this is where I made the mistake. Instead of permanently ending the fight, I moved back into his lane, forward of him. DO NOT FOLLOW MY LEAD. Once you get the first opportunity, take yourself out of the fight. Third rule of defensive driving: Always ensure that your opponent is ahead of you, AT ALL TIMES. Why? Because when the aggressor is ahead, you are in control. You make the rules and control the game. It's a bit like follow the leader. And if the leader is behind, the car in front is the loser.
So now I was in a position of less power. He had control. He could follow me wherever I went; for as long as he wanted. Now I had to make a decision. I was on my way to fetch someone. If I stuck to my route, I would be leading him straight to the place and the fight will take place outside of the car. So I made the decision to take him AWAY from my destination. Fourth rule of defensive driving: When being tailed, do not proceed to your destination. Look for places which can help you; a crowded place like a market or foodcourt or if you know the area well enough, a police post. So now, if I turned left to my destination, he would surely follow me. I was at the junction of the swimming pool in Yishun. I decided to turn right. If the fight turned ugly, I could head to the police post beside Nur's house for help. So I turned right with him on my tail. I knew I had to let him pass before I could make my move. Fifth rule of defensive driving: Always know your route and your next few moves. Think them through in your mind and prepare for them well. So we turned right and headed to SAFRA. I knew that if I sped, he could easily catch up due to the traffic lights. So I went slow. Sixth rule of defensive driving: Go slow. Usually they will give up. I knew that if I went slow enough, he will sooner or later come up next to me to overtake and try his braking manouvere or try and stare at me. So I just looked straight. I had a number of traffic lights I could make my move. My plan? Fool him into thinking I am going straight and at the last possible moment, turn right or make a U-turn. Seventh rule: Always ensure safety first; for yourself and other road users. Usually the defensive manouveres you are going to take are illegal but ensure safety. Why not turn left, you say? Because left turns are easier to make. That's why they teach that first in your driving lessons. When you turn left, there is usually no other vehicles turning with you and it can easily be followed. Turning right requires you to judge approaching vehicles and turning radii. Also, for the oppressor on the left to turn right, he will have to contend with vehicles behind me.
So I went slow. And true enough, he began to overtake me. He had pulled up alongside me but I was focused on only one thing - making my move. We came up to the junction of Yishun park. I saw the road ahead was clear. Oppressor to my left at speed. Last possible moment.. wait for it...wait for it... BRAKE! TURN STEERING WHEEL!
And he overshot. Boy was he shocked. He actually jammed on his brakes too but he was too far forward that he could not turn right safely. So there he was, stranded in the middle of the junction, not knowing what to do. So he drove off and I quickly drove off in the other direction. It's not really over once you have completed this manouvere. Sometimes, the aggressor will still chase after you at the next traffic light. Eighth rule: This is what you do: Make as many turns as you travel away from the point where you turned. Turn into carparks, turn right and left at junctions. So that even if he makes a U-turn ahead, he will not be able to trace you anymore.
So there you have it. Remember the rules of defensive driving:
1) Always take yourself out of the fight
2) Protect yourself and your vehicle first
3) Always ensure your opponent is ahead of you
4) When being tailed, do not proceed to your destination
5) Always know your route and plan your next few moves
6) Go slow
7) Safety first when making manouveres
8) Evade by making your escape route untraceable
Of course, we all have different styles of driving. If you must, do not EVER stop your vehicle when confronted. For lady drivers, if you are in trouble, call for help. If you have been forced to stop, lock all the doors and stay in the car. If he exits his car and comes at you, wait until he is out of his car and then speed off. Evade as soon as possible.
I guess we can't all expect people to be civil all the time. Maybe it was my fault that I fingered him too but he was definitely putting my life and safety at risk. I am glad and thankful I had gotten out of there unscathed. And I am proud that I handled it with a calculated mind and steady skill. =)
Who was I fetching, you ask? =)
I was driving along Yishun Ave 2 today after sending my mum to work, when I encountered a road bully. Now, those of you who know me personally will know that sometimes I am a road bully myself; but not in the manner normally associated with them. For one, I only use my skills to humiliate other drivers; not to hurt them. So all they leave with is a bruised pride and nothing else.
So anyway, in front of me was a maroon Toyota Corolla. We were driving in front of the sports complex, near where the speed camera is located. As you can tell, the speed limit in the area is 60 km/h. He was driving along at 40 km/h. At first I gave him the benefit of the doubt and just drove behind him. But after having to endure 1 full minute of his slow driving, I glanced into his car. Windows untinted, I could clearly see him bending over the dashboard as he tried to hide and use his cell phone. At this point, there was a clear 30m between him and the vehicle in front. To warn him that he was holding up traffic, I sounded my horn for about 3 seconds. The shock of it jolted him out of using his phone but he suddenly turned aggressive. He braked suddenly in front of me (how do I know? Because he had a clear 30 m from the vehicle in front, remember?). Seeing that he was turning malicious, I switched lanes to the right. This is the first step in defensive driving: take yourself out of the fight. As I was switching lanes, he tried to brake suddenly in front of me again, but I managed to avoid him. Second rule of defensive driving: Always protect yourself and your car first. Do whatever is necessary to avoid a collision. So when he did that, I instinctively put up my finger. You know which finger so don't ask.
So he got more agitated that I had just fingered off his manouvere and he caught up on my left. He then suddenly swerved into my lane. Again, I countered his manouvere by switching back to the left. Again, I fingered him for trying that manouvere. But this is where I made the mistake. Instead of permanently ending the fight, I moved back into his lane, forward of him. DO NOT FOLLOW MY LEAD. Once you get the first opportunity, take yourself out of the fight. Third rule of defensive driving: Always ensure that your opponent is ahead of you, AT ALL TIMES. Why? Because when the aggressor is ahead, you are in control. You make the rules and control the game. It's a bit like follow the leader. And if the leader is behind, the car in front is the loser.
So now I was in a position of less power. He had control. He could follow me wherever I went; for as long as he wanted. Now I had to make a decision. I was on my way to fetch someone. If I stuck to my route, I would be leading him straight to the place and the fight will take place outside of the car. So I made the decision to take him AWAY from my destination. Fourth rule of defensive driving: When being tailed, do not proceed to your destination. Look for places which can help you; a crowded place like a market or foodcourt or if you know the area well enough, a police post. So now, if I turned left to my destination, he would surely follow me. I was at the junction of the swimming pool in Yishun. I decided to turn right. If the fight turned ugly, I could head to the police post beside Nur's house for help. So I turned right with him on my tail. I knew I had to let him pass before I could make my move. Fifth rule of defensive driving: Always know your route and your next few moves. Think them through in your mind and prepare for them well. So we turned right and headed to SAFRA. I knew that if I sped, he could easily catch up due to the traffic lights. So I went slow. Sixth rule of defensive driving: Go slow. Usually they will give up. I knew that if I went slow enough, he will sooner or later come up next to me to overtake and try his braking manouvere or try and stare at me. So I just looked straight. I had a number of traffic lights I could make my move. My plan? Fool him into thinking I am going straight and at the last possible moment, turn right or make a U-turn. Seventh rule: Always ensure safety first; for yourself and other road users. Usually the defensive manouveres you are going to take are illegal but ensure safety. Why not turn left, you say? Because left turns are easier to make. That's why they teach that first in your driving lessons. When you turn left, there is usually no other vehicles turning with you and it can easily be followed. Turning right requires you to judge approaching vehicles and turning radii. Also, for the oppressor on the left to turn right, he will have to contend with vehicles behind me.
So I went slow. And true enough, he began to overtake me. He had pulled up alongside me but I was focused on only one thing - making my move. We came up to the junction of Yishun park. I saw the road ahead was clear. Oppressor to my left at speed. Last possible moment.. wait for it...wait for it... BRAKE! TURN STEERING WHEEL!
And he overshot. Boy was he shocked. He actually jammed on his brakes too but he was too far forward that he could not turn right safely. So there he was, stranded in the middle of the junction, not knowing what to do. So he drove off and I quickly drove off in the other direction. It's not really over once you have completed this manouvere. Sometimes, the aggressor will still chase after you at the next traffic light. Eighth rule: This is what you do: Make as many turns as you travel away from the point where you turned. Turn into carparks, turn right and left at junctions. So that even if he makes a U-turn ahead, he will not be able to trace you anymore.
So there you have it. Remember the rules of defensive driving:
1) Always take yourself out of the fight
2) Protect yourself and your vehicle first
3) Always ensure your opponent is ahead of you
4) When being tailed, do not proceed to your destination
5) Always know your route and plan your next few moves
6) Go slow
7) Safety first when making manouveres
8) Evade by making your escape route untraceable
Of course, we all have different styles of driving. If you must, do not EVER stop your vehicle when confronted. For lady drivers, if you are in trouble, call for help. If you have been forced to stop, lock all the doors and stay in the car. If he exits his car and comes at you, wait until he is out of his car and then speed off. Evade as soon as possible.
I guess we can't all expect people to be civil all the time. Maybe it was my fault that I fingered him too but he was definitely putting my life and safety at risk. I am glad and thankful I had gotten out of there unscathed. And I am proud that I handled it with a calculated mind and steady skill. =)
Who was I fetching, you ask? =)
Friday, November 7, 2008
Act 3, Scene 5: Planks and pylons
I've been waiting for this day ever since I signed up for bike lessons. And it finally came. Haha.
I usually go for the early morning lessons now since it tends to rain in the afternoon and even if it doesn't, the scorching weather is enough to put me off. So there I was, bright and early. I had read up on the lesson requirements plus watched countless other students go through it.
So there I was, bike in front of the plank, all ready and raring to go. 'Release the clutch, throttle up...steady.'
And.....
I missed the plank.
Second time...
Same thing happened.
And I was so pissed with myself. I was letting my kan cheong side show. Everytime I aimed for the plank, I couldn't get up. It just seemed so small.
But the instructor today was really nice. He was encouraging and never once did he use his loudspeaker. I was impressed. He knew exactly what went wrong with our techniques and kept giving us motivational words and tips.
So soon, I got the hang of it. Went halfway across the plank.. then all the way, but too quick.
And finally, I clinched it. Body relaxed and straight, eyes front, only arms moving. And I did it. Haha.
Pylons were a different story altogether. I seemed to excel at the exercise. Haha. I was breezing through the course and never once did I touch the cones. Was really proud of myself then. Even became a demonstrator for once. Haha.
So the instructor changed the course a little. Moved the cones to a staggered pattern, that meant much more distance between the cones but less distance to manouvere in. And guess how long it took me to complete that course... 2 freaking seconds from crossing the line. Haha. See... I knew all those kuda gila manouveres I did when I was younger is gonna pay off one day.
But I dunno if she had anything to do with it. =)
We had dinner yesterday. So I picked her up from work and she wasn't feeling too great cos something was on her mind. So I asked her if she wanted to have dinner. And off we went to Jalan Kayu since its close to her place.
Haha. I have to say that eating with her is nice because she doesn't really mind how much she's eating. She has a voracious appetite (hard to believe looking at her figure). And the conversation is even better. Haha. It's refreshing to have someone so expressive and willing to initiate a conversation, instead of me always doing it.
And we talked a lot. I watched families come and leave before we did and all the while, she was talking. =)
But I dunno..
I usually go for the early morning lessons now since it tends to rain in the afternoon and even if it doesn't, the scorching weather is enough to put me off. So there I was, bright and early. I had read up on the lesson requirements plus watched countless other students go through it.
So there I was, bike in front of the plank, all ready and raring to go. 'Release the clutch, throttle up...steady.'
And.....
I missed the plank.
Second time...
Same thing happened.
And I was so pissed with myself. I was letting my kan cheong side show. Everytime I aimed for the plank, I couldn't get up. It just seemed so small.
But the instructor today was really nice. He was encouraging and never once did he use his loudspeaker. I was impressed. He knew exactly what went wrong with our techniques and kept giving us motivational words and tips.
So soon, I got the hang of it. Went halfway across the plank.. then all the way, but too quick.
And finally, I clinched it. Body relaxed and straight, eyes front, only arms moving. And I did it. Haha.
Pylons were a different story altogether. I seemed to excel at the exercise. Haha. I was breezing through the course and never once did I touch the cones. Was really proud of myself then. Even became a demonstrator for once. Haha.
So the instructor changed the course a little. Moved the cones to a staggered pattern, that meant much more distance between the cones but less distance to manouvere in. And guess how long it took me to complete that course... 2 freaking seconds from crossing the line. Haha. See... I knew all those kuda gila manouveres I did when I was younger is gonna pay off one day.
But I dunno if she had anything to do with it. =)
We had dinner yesterday. So I picked her up from work and she wasn't feeling too great cos something was on her mind. So I asked her if she wanted to have dinner. And off we went to Jalan Kayu since its close to her place.
Haha. I have to say that eating with her is nice because she doesn't really mind how much she's eating. She has a voracious appetite (hard to believe looking at her figure). And the conversation is even better. Haha. It's refreshing to have someone so expressive and willing to initiate a conversation, instead of me always doing it.
And we talked a lot. I watched families come and leave before we did and all the while, she was talking. =)
But I dunno..
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