Act 3, Scene 1: I feel so cheated...

Man...I just discovered a very disturbing truth: Filet-O-Fish(FOF) has a higher calorie content than Mcnuggets. I feel so short-changed man. Why the hell did I run two-miles and have to eat that?

And another thing: The next time you order a FOF, open up the bun and see how much cheese they actually put in there. Cos this was what happened to me earlier:

Me (to myself): WTF?! This is HALF A CHEESE SLICE! I can't take this anymore..gotta complain.

So off to the counter I go.

M: Excuse me miss, could I ask you something?

Server: Yes?

M: Take a look at my FOF. Do you see something wrong with it?

S: (Takes some time to look at the bloody burger) Hmm, actually I find nothing wrong with it.

M: Seriously? Doesn't the cheese slice seem abit HALVED to you?

S: Oh yes. But I thought that's the way it should be?

M: (pointing to the picture) But this picture has a full cheese slice eh?

S: Erm, let me speak to my manager for a moment.

Manager: Yes sir, can I help you?

M: My FOF has half a slice of cheese in it. I feel shortchanged because the photograph has a full slice in it.

MG: Ok...so your complain is?

M: I just said it! You're cheating people...

MG: Ok...so you want your extra slice of cheese?

M: No I don't want an extra slice. I want my missing half.

MG: Ok...do you want us to put it in your burger?

M: Hmm, since every burger has half a slice, why don't you give me another burger?

MG: Erm...ok...

M: Will you stop saying 'Ok'? Isn't there another affirmation you can utter?

MG: Erm...yes. So you want another burger?

M: Actually, keep your burger, But I would appreciate it if you could keep an eye on your staff to make sure they perform their duties properly. Is there a bonus for saving extra slices of cheese? I'm sure not so why are you keeping them from paying customers? That slice of cheese just spoilt my appetite. I can't think of what else you guys have shortchanged from other customers. Maybe they'll get 5 nuggets instead of 6? Or their Mcflurry won't have its flurry?

MG: Yes sir. I'll look into this. I'm sorry.

So there...check your burgers people! Are you getting what you're paying for? Or did they leave a little 'extra' for you?

Anyway, things are ok now for me with regard to the earlier posts. I'm learning and trying.

Aw fuck!...as I was publishing the post some idiot tried to clear my tray and table when there was OBVIOUSLY still food on it! WTF is wrong with these people? Not enough cheat my food, now they wanna cheat my time too? That's it..I'm never eating in this franchise ever again!

Act 2, Scene 1: Naked

How do you hold a moonbeam in your hand?

Just got back from Desaru. Slept the whole way there and back and if I wasn't, I was on my PSP trying to save the world from an oil crisis with my German team of Special Forces soldiers. Replays of 'ACHTUNG!' keep playing in my mind. But everything I saw, said or did reminded me of her.

We've been arguing non-stop for the past week. I don't know what else to do. I feel like I'm losing our friendship too and that'll just kill me, I think. Honestly, I just want to see her happy. But now I'm wondering if it'll take me to be out of her life for her to be happy. Then can I really be happy for her?

Am I too emotional? Or do I just convey my feelings more openly? Maybe people who say I'm too emotional have been closeted and holding back their feelings all their lives. I'm like an open book yea? If I'm angry with you, I'm not afraid to show it. And if I'm sad, you'll be able to read it. Don't treat it as a weakness, because even if you are able to read my mood, I am more than capable of handling you.

Argh...too much stress. Moving on....

Holidays are here...hai. I don't really look forward to holidays. But I don't really look forward to assignments too. I just look forward to being in school and busy and hanging out with friends and doing my tutorials. Hai... But holidays are nice cos I can go watch movies when the cinemas are empty and read a book in a cafe. Looking forward to my posting too. Wonder what that'll be like.

Anyway, for those of you who know me well enough, you know how much I love Friends, the sitcom. And when the run ended, I felt like the new offerings on TV could never match up to it. Guess what? The replacement is finally here. Well, it's been around for 2 years but just started showing on Star World. It's on every weekday at 530pm..It's 'How I met your Mother'! I absolutely love it! Haha..plus Cobie Smulders is SOOOOOoooooooo HOT! Hai..and to think that she was only 23 when she first started out in the show. But you know what's the best coincidence? The show's pilot (first episode) first aired on 19th September! MY BIRTHDAY! Haha...coincidence? =)

Anyway, they just finished showing the first season so they're showing the second now. Not gonna spoil it for you but I gotta say, I don't miss Friends as much anymore. =)

Go Ted!

Act 1, Scene 7: Andai

For the record, we don't have anything together. I love her as a friend and yes, I would like something more. She doesn't. Read through the following with that in mind.

This realisation happened today.


I realised I have been doing what she does - running away.

The problem is there; I'm it.

Was going through some of the older messages I sent her.

'If you keep pushing me away, one day you're going to turn around and realise I'm not there anymore.'

'...There will come a time in every pursuit when I will realise for myself that it is not worth it; all the pain and worry and jealousy, every night crying myself to sleep. And at that time, I will realise I don't love her anymore...' (We were talking about someone else)

'I beg you...for the sake of our friendship.'

She's been very busy lately. But she's never been so busy that she ignores me completely. Now, her texts and calls hurt just as much as when she doesn't.

A month ago, a couple of friends asked me, out of the blue, at different times, if I ever thought I could love someone else.

My answer?

'No.'

Now? I'm not so sure anymore. There's no one else.

But the pain I go through every night when she ignores me, is too much for me to bear without going through an episode. So these past few weeks I have done the unthinkable.. I thought of a life without her.

And I never cried more than when I thought what my life would mean when she wasn't a part of it anymore.

Then I watched an episode of Grey's Anatomy. It was the season 3 finale where Burke was getting married to Christina. And the question had been plague-ing me for the past week already - What do I do about Nur?

Christina was freaking out over scrubbing her vows off her palm and now she had nothing to say at the altar. Meredith and Lizzie tried to calm her down but the ensuing commotion caused the chapel to be distracted. Burke gave an embarassed smile as he stood waiting. When Christina didn't appear after a while, he gave a resigned look and walked to the back of the chapel. He walked in just as Christina was getting ready for her own walk down the aisle. He asked, 'What's going on?'. Christina told him to get back to the altar; she was ready to get married.

He said no. With a calm, straight look into her eyes, he said 'No'.

Then it hit me. What everyone had been saying and what I should have done a long time ago but I never had the courage to. I loved her so much, I was afraid of losing her when I knew that I would, no matter what I did.

Burke said he realised that this is not something she wanted. That she was doing it because she loved him and wanted him to be happy. He realised that he wasn't making her happy. So he doesn't want to get married.

Then it was plain for me to see... I am the problem. I want her to be happy but through what I am doing, she isn't and she will never be. I was afraid of losing her when what I was really afraid of was letting her know I want to let her go.

You can't believe the pain in my heart as I am typing this out. She doesn't even know I'm making this decision because she won't even talk to me. If ever you have been in this situation, sympathise with me, please. If you have never, I wish and pray that you will never have to.

Princess,
I will never be able to give you what you want.
Not in a million years.

I don't deserve you;
You deserve someone who is more devoted and who will make you happy.
And I know that when you find him, I too will be happy for you.
That's my only wish.

I thought I could make you happy.
I know now that all I ever did was make it hard for you; and for that I apologise.

I hope I've been all I promised to be in this friendship.
I hope that at least sometimes, you were happy.
And I hope that I've shown you that you deserve respect and love and that it is expected.

All I ever did, and all I ever felt,
Was the greatest and most deepest love for you.
I hope that you would have enjoyed it.

I now must move on;
And I am doing it for the same love that I feel for you.

So that you may be happy. Forever.

I hope you will find a love that will treasure and hold you as I had hoped I could.



There, I've said it. And I realised that I didn't do it out of spite or anger. But out of love. And maybe this is the moment that I had been waiting for; even when others told me to do it. I needed to realise, for myself.

I know the first few weeks will be difficult for me. And I will not be ashamed to tell you what I'm feeling so that you will never have to put yourself in my position. But I believe that with each passing week, it will get easier and I will gain the strength I need to move on and live a life without her. Insya-allah. Allah does not set tasks upon us which He does not believe we cannot overcome.

Let me go with dignity.

This is the moment when I realise that I cannot love you anymore.

Act 1, Scene 6: Fatigue

For the very first time, I asked if I could be excused from fetching her. =)

Had a full day today. Was pretty stressed half the time but I felt great the whole day. Finally, exams are over; it's now the holidays till June 23rd. Haha. That's 2 months dude.. Anybody need someone to do their chores or run their errands for them?

I had a great morning. Spent with a great girl. Saw her off and got to school at about 830.

I had just recently started running on the treadmill because I've always focused on working on strength in the gym. So I decided to try it out recently cos the gym was empty and no one else was using it. And I gotta tell you, I love it. Haha. I usually found cardio such a waste of time when I wanna focus on strength training but I realised that strength training gets mundane quite quickly and not to mention, very painful. I guess my focus on strength came about during my rugby-playing days when we worked out in the gym on rainy days. Stamina and cardio came about when we trained on the pitch so strength was the sole factor we focused on. How much strength? Well, not much really. Haha. I usually focused on the muscles that I would be using alot so they were mainly the calves, quadriceps, triceps and shoulders. My triceps were huge in JC. Haha. I used to do hundreds of push-ups during training and before I started matches to intimidate the opponents. And I usually bench-pressed about a total of 3 tons during each session (12 sets of 5 repetitions of 50kg). I still remember this group of kids coming into the gym when I was bench-pressing during JC and they stood around and laughed as I was doing my warm-up set of 20kg weights. So I got up, said, 'Now you try it.', and watched the bugger almost choke himself on just 20kg. Haha.

So right now, I'm just so pooped out. Haha. Good thing is my muscles aren't sore which means they're getting used to it. So many more trainings to come in the next 2 months. Now...if only I had someone to do it for. =) Any takers?

Act 1, Scene 5: Inconvenience

Was driving home today at about 9 plus when I saw a group of kids playing soccer at this court.

I like watching kids play. Anything. There's just this innocence and self-belief that they have when they're so caught up in what they do that everything else seems so distant. Sometimes if you catch me sitting at a bench, just sitting, you'll know what I'm doing.

I find it such a wonder to think that every child will one day have to grow up and lose that innocence and sense of imagination. I remember when I was a kid, I used to have very few friends. I used to wander around the estate and find interesting things to do and watch when I was younger. No, I didn't have an imaginary friend. But I used alot of my imagination to make my own fun.

I developed a fear and mistrust for strangers early on in life. I still remember the incident vividly. I was about four and my mum had just bought me a new truck for me to play with. It was a dump truck and I badly wanted to try it out at the playground carting sand and stuff. And I was happily playing with it and just being by myself while my mum watched from afar. My sister came up and asked if I wanted to join her and a few other friends to play catch and I didn't want to miss out so I did what a naive young kid would have done; I dug a small hole and buried my truck in it so that I didn't have to go over to my mum. And then I ran off to play catch. After about 5 minutes, I realised this slightly older kid just hanging around the place I had buried my truck. He looked suspicious but what did a four year old kid know right? Anyway, he took my truck and I actually caught him taking it. And I gave chase but he was about ten and pretty soon got away. I remembered bawling my eyes out cos I was so scared I'd get scolded for losing a new toy. And till today, I have a great fear of losing things. Not so much scared of being scolded anymore, but to lose something of value to me.

I had a pretty carefree childhood, I must say. And alot of the things I like and the way I think was shaped by the things I did and the things I saw when I was younger. I like being alone due to my childhood spent playing by myself. I love animals which came about when the only friends I could find were cats.

On Sunday, my mum, sister and me had our lunch at Eatzi. Wasn't that great this time around. Anyway, as we were finishing up, this family walked in and to put it in a nice way, they had a bunch of boisterous kids. And my sister and I asked my mum how we were like as kids. And I remembered that I used to be very independent when I was younger. How independent?

Well, I grew up in Bukit Batok West. My first house was Blk 130. It's near the polyclinic. Anyway, my Kindergarten was near the Doulat shop in the neighbourhood centre. And to get there from my block, you had to cross this 5 lane road. I remembered how I used to get impatient when my mum was supposed to fetch me (cos she fell asleep or got back late from work). So I used to go home by myself. I would wait till all the other children had gone home, then tell my teacher that I was supposed to wait for my mum at the end of the block, happily wave goodbye and cross the road to get back. From what I know, I was the only five year old who could do that. Haha. But once I remembered sitting at the doorstep after another of my adventures and my mum came home crying hysterically. She had gone to the school to pick me up but when she discovered I wasn't there, she panicked and searched everywhere for me. She was so scared that something had happened to me and the moment she saw me sitting there on the doorstep, I tell you, it was like those movies, only better. The look of relief was priceless. Of course, the beating after would have garnered the movie an NC-16 rating for violence. =)

I remembered when I was younger, my family wasn't so well off. Our house was a 3-room flat and my mum worked in a factory. I used to be baby-sat by another family till I was about 4-plus. After that, my mum stayed at home and had these boxes of machine parts to be put together sent to our flat. So she usually put thousands of them together while watching tv and I used to help whenever I could. And whenever there were bad parts, I would take them and play with them. I had very few toys, which explained why I cried so much when I lost the truck. When I was five and ready for kindergarten, I loved going to school so much cos I got to do things I'd never done before. I loved drawing and colouring in books and learning to read and write. When I got home, sometimes my mum wasn't around. And the lady who baby-sat me always gave me an allowance. So I would take the 50-cents she gave me and go down to the grocery shop. And being five, I wasn't really in tuned to what I was doing. So I usually got let off at about 4 and my sister gets back from school at 6. And at 530, I would go to the shop and buy an ice-cream. And I would hold the ice-cream in my hand til 630 til she got back so I could give it to her. Needless to say, it would have melted by then but I never once threw it away. Of course it was one of those ice creams in a cup so melting wasn't too much of a problem.

I moved to Choa Chu Kang when I was 6. But its late now and that's another story for another time. Hope you enjoyed this one. =)

Act 1, Scene 4: Rain

I wanted to tell a joke today. But I don't feel like it.

I want to ask a question though.

To you.

Am I just a friend? When a few months ago, you said we were closer than you were with your other friends and I felt like I had a best friend.

Maybe I just need to have the strength to walk away. If that's what you want. To be just, a friend.

You have so many others, the loss of me will make no difference.

You will never understand how I feel or how much I will lose when I let you go. I only have you.

You've got selective amnesia. But I've been the one person who has seen you cry so many times and who always wanted to put his arm around you and tell you it's going to be okay.

And when everything is back to normal, everything is forgotten.

Please don't treat me as you do your other friends. Cos I genuinely care. But if you wish me to cease, I will try to find the strength to.

You're always running away from your problems. I'm glad you've finally faced this one. But I'm still waiting for an answer. And sometimes I feel as if I'm never going to get it.

I'm sorry.

You probably forgot how soaked I was riding in the rain so that we could go cycling. And when I got there, you broke my heart yet I kept quiet so I could see you smile. But I didn't get to. And I wished so hard it would rain on my ride home so that it would wash the tears off my face and hide them. You'll never know how much I hurt.

Are you so ashamed of me that you do not wish for others to see us together? Have you ever thought about how lucky you are for someone to be so devoted to you that others will look beyond what I look like and congratulate you on your happiness?

I brought you to my one secret place. I've never brought anyone else there. And I was so happy to see you happy there. Now, I don't know if I made the right choice. Cos everytime I go there now, I'll think about you.

I'm emo..so what? That only means I have feelings. Is that wrong? Rather than hiding behind a cloak and pretending nothing is wrong.

I just wish I'll die before you do. Cos I really don't know what to do without you in my life anymore.

Act 1, Scene 3: Devotion, Part II

Have I made a mistake?

I don't feel like it but everyone else seems to think so.

Even she makes me feel like I've made a mistake.

Have I?

Will you still choose me in the end?