Act 1, Scene 7: Andai

For the record, we don't have anything together. I love her as a friend and yes, I would like something more. She doesn't. Read through the following with that in mind.

This realisation happened today.


I realised I have been doing what she does - running away.

The problem is there; I'm it.

Was going through some of the older messages I sent her.

'If you keep pushing me away, one day you're going to turn around and realise I'm not there anymore.'

'...There will come a time in every pursuit when I will realise for myself that it is not worth it; all the pain and worry and jealousy, every night crying myself to sleep. And at that time, I will realise I don't love her anymore...' (We were talking about someone else)

'I beg you...for the sake of our friendship.'

She's been very busy lately. But she's never been so busy that she ignores me completely. Now, her texts and calls hurt just as much as when she doesn't.

A month ago, a couple of friends asked me, out of the blue, at different times, if I ever thought I could love someone else.

My answer?

'No.'

Now? I'm not so sure anymore. There's no one else.

But the pain I go through every night when she ignores me, is too much for me to bear without going through an episode. So these past few weeks I have done the unthinkable.. I thought of a life without her.

And I never cried more than when I thought what my life would mean when she wasn't a part of it anymore.

Then I watched an episode of Grey's Anatomy. It was the season 3 finale where Burke was getting married to Christina. And the question had been plague-ing me for the past week already - What do I do about Nur?

Christina was freaking out over scrubbing her vows off her palm and now she had nothing to say at the altar. Meredith and Lizzie tried to calm her down but the ensuing commotion caused the chapel to be distracted. Burke gave an embarassed smile as he stood waiting. When Christina didn't appear after a while, he gave a resigned look and walked to the back of the chapel. He walked in just as Christina was getting ready for her own walk down the aisle. He asked, 'What's going on?'. Christina told him to get back to the altar; she was ready to get married.

He said no. With a calm, straight look into her eyes, he said 'No'.

Then it hit me. What everyone had been saying and what I should have done a long time ago but I never had the courage to. I loved her so much, I was afraid of losing her when I knew that I would, no matter what I did.

Burke said he realised that this is not something she wanted. That she was doing it because she loved him and wanted him to be happy. He realised that he wasn't making her happy. So he doesn't want to get married.

Then it was plain for me to see... I am the problem. I want her to be happy but through what I am doing, she isn't and she will never be. I was afraid of losing her when what I was really afraid of was letting her know I want to let her go.

You can't believe the pain in my heart as I am typing this out. She doesn't even know I'm making this decision because she won't even talk to me. If ever you have been in this situation, sympathise with me, please. If you have never, I wish and pray that you will never have to.

Princess,
I will never be able to give you what you want.
Not in a million years.

I don't deserve you;
You deserve someone who is more devoted and who will make you happy.
And I know that when you find him, I too will be happy for you.
That's my only wish.

I thought I could make you happy.
I know now that all I ever did was make it hard for you; and for that I apologise.

I hope I've been all I promised to be in this friendship.
I hope that at least sometimes, you were happy.
And I hope that I've shown you that you deserve respect and love and that it is expected.

All I ever did, and all I ever felt,
Was the greatest and most deepest love for you.
I hope that you would have enjoyed it.

I now must move on;
And I am doing it for the same love that I feel for you.

So that you may be happy. Forever.

I hope you will find a love that will treasure and hold you as I had hoped I could.



There, I've said it. And I realised that I didn't do it out of spite or anger. But out of love. And maybe this is the moment that I had been waiting for; even when others told me to do it. I needed to realise, for myself.

I know the first few weeks will be difficult for me. And I will not be ashamed to tell you what I'm feeling so that you will never have to put yourself in my position. But I believe that with each passing week, it will get easier and I will gain the strength I need to move on and live a life without her. Insya-allah. Allah does not set tasks upon us which He does not believe we cannot overcome.

Let me go with dignity.

This is the moment when I realise that I cannot love you anymore.