Act 5, Scene 2: When it will be enough...

Watching andreading the news daily, I always wondered what prevented people from finding a way for peace. What drives them to insane acts of violence that you would think they would be wise enough at their age to avoid. And why they cannot find some common ground from which they can work to find a way for peace.

Then this happened...

It sucks to be the only son in the family. Why? Because so much is expected from you yet so little is given back. As I grew up, I watched as less love was showered upon me. I watched as I excelled yet got so little praise. I watched as I matured so early but still treated like a kid.

I remember when I was about 9, it was my birthday and I had wanted a toy so badly. It was promised to me because I had done well in my exams too. As my sister's birthday was just 5 days from mine, our parents would get our presents at the same time. Our family wasn't always as well off as we are right now, and there were times when we had very little to go by. So when it got time to pay for our gifts, my mum discovered that she did not have enough money to pay for both. And even at that age, I gave in. I told her she didn't have to get me mine cos it wasn't very important. And I watched my sister get hers. Of course I got it later, but I still believed I did the right thing by giving in.

Another experience I had was when I was 12. I had done well enough for my PSLE and my parents promised to get me a gift that I wanted. At that time, I was hoping to get a radio-controlled airplane. My sister, on the other hand, had just been demoted from the Express stream in secondary school to the Normal Academic one. For her gift (why does she get one even after being demoted? Because at the end of each year, when my dad got his bonus, he'd get us gifts), she wanted a pocket diary. So we both made our wishes known to our parents. I still remember the day vividly. She got exactly what she wanted. And what did I get? A toy helicopter that goes around in circles on the ground; the kind you give a 5 year old so he can chase it around. At that age, I felt disappointed. But did I let it known? Never...

All my life, I believed that I should put other people's happiness before my own. I believed that no matter how much it hurts and how many sacrifices I had to make, that in due time, God will repay me for my deeds. It was always my duty as a son.

At 18, I stopped receiving money from my parents. I enlisted into NS and on the measly pay of $300, I gave a third of it to my mother every month. And the hybrid pass I used to get to work everyday cost $120. That left me with $80 a month to spend on food and other necessities. I made ends meet.

When I got promoted to a sergeant, so did the amount for my mother. She now received $200. And that left me with a little more to spend on myself. For 6 years now, I have been giving money to my parents. Every year, I pay for their holidays overseas. And when I can, I help out with marketing expenses, expenses for the car etc.

This whole essay is not about money. It is about love. Because for the amount I put in, I surely do not see the returns I should be getting. In fact, I get verbal abuse almost every day. And it breaks me.

You don't even give me a chance to explain myself. As you walked away I heard you say, 'I don't have to believe you, I am your mother.' How do you think that makes me feel? You spite me for the sake of it. If you hate me the son you have brought up, then maybe you don't need a son. Maybe all those years of having to understand when the family had no money and I shouldn't ask for things I wanted and needed was for nothing. Maybe those years of having to grow up faster than my peers were wasted and I should have enjoyed my childhood more. Because you know what? I can't get back those years! I can't jolly well ask God to pay me back in terms of years lived! They're gone... moments that when put together made me age far beyond my years! When I lay down to sleep I WISHED they could return... but they never will...

If I mean nothing to you, then I shouldn't exist. Then maybe it is time for me to leave. And the best I can do is to wish you well and see you on your way.

Appeasement doesn't work. Neither does confrontation. Then I don't know what will. You know what?

You win.

I give up.

Act 5, Scene 1: Slow and straight

It's been a while since I've written down my thoughts here. Nothing much has changed lately. Last semester of school's passed and I'm now on my Practicum. Failed my first TP. =P Bad luck I guess.

Something did happen to me though. I had a chance at love and I gave it up.

Story goes something like this. I met someone new online and at that time, things weren't really looking up for me. We talked alot and we shared our thoughts and feelings with each other. And I knew I wasn't really looking for anything at the time - getting out of love is a hard thing to do and time was really taking its time in passing.

So I did what I always do when I get into such situations - I talked to my friends about it to get an idea of where I was and what I could do. Honestly, I was trying to open myself up to this girl. And I could see her making the same effort for me too. But I admit, I still had feelings for a certain someone and I just couldn't bring myself to lie to this girl. So I called it off. And she got hurt cos she thought we were getting somewhere.

Before I went to KL, I spoke to my friends about what I had done and they all had the same reaction, "Why the hell did you let her go?! She's offering you something which you have always been looking for and you go and ruin it. What the hell is the matter with you?' So then I'd tell them my reason being I couldn't bring myself to fall in love with her when I am obviously still in love with this other person. And one of my friends said something which was at the same time, impactful and true, no matter how much it hurt. She said, 'Why are you waiting for this someone who would never give you what this girl is already offering you?' And I really got what she was saying that I couldn't find an answer. I just sat there dumbfounded.

For everything that I espouse, I still am lost in this little game. I guess the only reason I can find for her sticking with him is that she loves him as much as I love her. And that no matter how much it hurts, we both know we're doing it for the person we love. So maybe my friend was right and I will never get her to feel the same way about me. But I still love her no matter. That's the important thing, right?

Act 4, Scene 2: When things change

Hmm, the passing of a year, to some signifies a time to reflect on what they have achieved or forsaken in the past year. For me, it signifies changing the date on my watch. I don't particularly await the coming of a new year to apologise or make life-changing decisions. I believe that if I have said or done something that hurt someone, that I would have the guts to admit it at the point of time.

For me, 2008 has been a good year. It has taught me much about myself. And it has given me the opportunity to learn much from the people around me. 2008 was a journey in learning and I appreciate every lesson I had to go through to get to where I am today. I realise my flaws. And I appreciate that no matter how big they are, there are still some out there who are proud to call me their friend, brother and son.

2008 proved that I could go from a 3.05 GPA to a 3.91. It proved that when I got my head into the game, I could get an A+. And if I didn't, a C+.

2008 proved that I could be strong. To put others' interests before mine and to make sacrifices so that they can achieve their dreams.

2008 taught me to be strong when faced with adversity; to draw strength from those around me and to stand alone, when the need arises.

But the greatest lesson I learnt and the best gift I got, was Nur.

Yes...

She's back. And in the last few posts, she is the one who made me happy. I guess one of the lessons I learnt is how to be happy and I'm not ashamed to say that she is the reason why.

Many of my friends have disagreed with me and have made me question my choice, out loud. I appreciate their concern and patience, especially when it's evident my heart is broken. I remembered, during her birthday this year, when I was so ready to walk away that a few of my friends went above and beyond the call of duty to offer a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on, literally.

Another lesson she has taught me is that I will never regret having fallen in love with her. She's amazing as she is. But there is much she needs to learn about herself too. Every effort I made, I learnt never to expect a reward but to appreciate the time that I have with her.

Finally, the lesson she has taught me is to be happy for her. I was in denial for a long time when she decided to walk away. And I reflected on the things I had done to her. Maybe it was my fault I was pushing so hard; and it was my fault I was not putting in any effort for the things I should. But I realised, I hadn't given her much of a reason to stay and instead of being bitter about her leaving, I should learn to be happy that she is happy. And I was...

2009 is a new year and a fresh beginning for most of us. But for me, I am thankful I'm in love with the most beautiful person in the world - both inside and out. And that maybe, this is the year when things change. =)

Act 4, Scene 1: Nothing can feel, as sweet and as real...

I'm sitting here wondering how I might start writing this entry.

I had a great day today. I just wished I didn't feel so bad after it. Cos the moment you left, I felt so alone again.

I had a lot of fun. Much more fun than I've ever had going out with anyone else. I think you know that.

I liked how you played along to my joke about driving; to the point of starting the engine. I would have let you drive if you felt like it.

I liked how you stood in the water; and tried to avoid getting your pants wet - all the while shrieking.

I liked how you wrote that question mark in the sand; it gives me hope.

All these small things which made me smile. Which is something I haven't felt, genuinely in a long time. I don't care what people say, I still think you're my best friend.

And like Mr Mraz once sang, I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend. =)

Act 3, Scene 9: I'm not gonna waste these words...

I guess there isn't much to blog about nowadays. We're into December now and my mum's leaving for the Haj tomorrow. Dad didn't get to go so we're not so bad.

Just really looking forward to pay day I guess. Don't think there's much difference in my bonus this year as mine was pro-rated last year and I only got about 2.6 months. So this year, I'll be getting around 2.5. Been putting off buying alot of stuff because I had to finance my parents' Haj trip and also servicing for the car so this is gonna be repatriation. =)

Hmm, funnily, I don't really feel very happy nowadays. Honestly, I feel very confused. I don't wanna fall into the situation of being in love with someone who isn't in love with me again. I guess after Princess, I had learnt that much. So I've been putting off saying or even displaying my feelings to those I'm going out with now. I mean I do have fun and all but I don't feel the urge for a relationship anymore.

We had a discussion through sms. She isn't ready for anything and her way of dealing with it is to not think about it. Granted, she has every right to do so and I don't see any reason I should feel upset about it. But when someone keeps quiet and doesn't reply, what am I supposed to feel or think? That's what's eating me... =(

So today I plugged in my headphones and listened to The Academy Is' 'About a girl'. I guess listening to overdriven riffs helps block out the stupidity I'm feeling right now. But it can only last so long before I drive myself insane.

Act 3, Scene 8: Solitude

All my life, my decisions have been made with your consultations. And all my life, I believed it was the right thing to do. But that does not mean I have not looked back and wondered what life would have been like if I did not make some of those decisions.

I can name a few where if I had gone against your word, life would have been very different. Of course, in such a biased view, I would have expected it to turn out for the best. But things rarely do and being who I am, I will learn. That's the problem. You never allowed me to experience pain and hardship because you coddled me. Yes, it's for the best but sometimes I wish I had learnt something.

Now I am at a crossroad in my life. And she's someone I am keeping my options open on. We are friends. Why couldn't, and shouldn't we be more? Because she's another statistic?

I wish sometimes you'd just let go of your pride and let me live the way I want. For 23 years, I've given you all that I can, mostly without questions. Why can't you be happy and pray for the best for my decisions. Yes, she carries alot of baggage, but wouldn't it be great if I can help her carry it for the rest of our lives together?

For 23 years, I have displayed a level-headedness beyond my age. What makes you think I haven't thought this through? But like I've said, I'm not in love. We're just friends. Which makes what happened in the car earlier that much more difficult for me to understand.

Why were you freaking out and screaming that you do not want me to keep seeing her? What wrong has she ever done to you? In any case, what wrong have I done to you, in relation to her? Haven't I fulfilled my role as a son? Why can't you be happy for me for once and to stop and think that this is what is best for me?

In any case, any girl I've told you about was never good enough for you. And maybe subconsciously, you've been praying that I never meet one that is. I know that is thinking the worst of you, but aren't you doing the same to me and her?

Now, you've closed the door. And all the goodness I've felt before has gone away. What am I supposed to do now?

What can I do now...

Act 3, Scene 7: Right now

Mum's having menopause again so I'm holing up in my room trying to block out all the hurtful words. I dunno why but everytime she goes through her menopausal episodes, she takes out her anger on me. Anyway, I honestly believe we don't have a good relationship anymore. And it's not like I don't try. =(

I had a very nice week though. But it's left me confused. And I don't really like what I'm starting to feel. So I need to make a decision soon.

For the past week, we've been seeing each other almost every day. Most times, I'd send her to work and we'll have the few minutes when we'd talk. We've also had dinner on Tuesday and supper on Wednesday. But on Thursday, she had gone to a concert with a friend. And I dunno why but I felt a tinge of jealousy. Just a tinge but I hate that feeling. Why? Because she's not my girlfriend; so why do I feel that way?

Over the past 2 days, we've not been talking much. She had lots of things on yesterday and I was out till early in the morning anyway. But I realised that maybe she did not wanna talk and I felt crappy again.. =(

And today she told me she'd made plans with another guy friend and again that tinge of jealousy.

I guess the problem is me. I've a huge inferiority complex and seeing her out with other guys, no matter how much I try to suppress it, I feel crappy. But I haven't told her so far. I just hope I won't have to because I know how much of a fool I would look like if I did. And anyway I'd scare her away..

So what am I supposed to do now?

I'm not in love... I wish I could just believe that myself...