Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Act 3, Scene 4: I'm not in love...
One song, about a girl.
Can't breathe, when I'm around her.
=)
But I'm not in love... Not for now...
Not yet...
Still picking up the pieces.
So I am not gonna waste these words, about a girl.
But when it is her song, it won't be wasted. Trust me.
=)
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Act 3, Scene 2: Walking the fire
This has been a long time coming.
I did not say alot about the failed friendship this time around because of a number of factors. I know this reaction of mine is vastly different from what I have always done before but learning from those experiences made me realise that maybe some things are better left unsaid.
But I decide that I need to explain myself. So here goes. I'm not trying to change your mind or anything. I just want to be honest.
Ning told me about what you told her. Not anything new. Just that things are difficult for you right now and that you need your own time and space. I guess it was more effective coming from her because she wasn't being hostile. And so, I've decided to give you as much time as you need.
I know things have been tough for you. You do have alot on your plate and at that time, I didn't realise how much I was adding on to it. We are beyond apologies because I've sincerely apologised for everything. School's coming to a close and although I'm utterly morose at the thought of never seeing your smile for another 2 months, I have to say that I'm glad it is going to give you some time to recover.
I still worry about you. I know I'm not supposed to. But I still think of when I don't see you online and I guess you're out and how you're going to take a cab home. And I know that you'll be in pain after a long and tiring day. And I worry.
I made alot of mistakes in our friendship. I guess I shouldn't have rushed things but I was so caught up in you and how much you made me happy, I was being impatient. I realise now that you made some efforts to accomodate that and I appreciate it.
If you looked through my blog, you would have realised that I had blogged a fair number of times this year. Except for a blip in July. That was when I had to let go of someone I truly loved. And it was so painful for me that I cried myself to sleep those nights. But slowly and surely, I learnt to let go. Around August was when we first began having classes together.
Initially I was afraid of your no-nonsense style. But as the days passed and August became September, I grew to like you. At first, I was afraid to let it be known. I grappled with the thought of telling you, seeing how we still had classes. I struggled to stop myself from admiring you in class. Why did you think I started sitting behind you after a while? So you wouldn't catch me looking at you.
I was still reeling and picking up the pieces when we stayed up all night talking about our crushes. I loved how natural we were with each other and how comfortable you were talking to me about your problems. And with every reply, I was fighting against my own emotions in deciding whether or not I could tell you. I knew the results would be negative but somehow, I knew I had to try. You apologised and we were ok. Until we had that little misunderstanding and argument in class.
But soon, you told me you had started to like me. And I was happy. Honestly, I was. And for that night, all those memories of crying myself to sleep seemed so far away. You made me feel happy and confident again. You made me feel like I could just be myself. And I started to like you even more.
I loved picking you up from home and fetching you from your outings. Because that meant I got to spend time with you. Even if it was a 5 minute drive, I'd still make the journey, knowing that out of a 24-hour day, 5 minutes would be spent in your company. And I had hoped that I could be the one who would make things easier for you.
But I screwed it all up with my impatience; and soon, I drove you away. And my whole world came crashing down around me. And I was left kicking myself in the ass for losing such a great girl. Cos by that point in time, you had meant that much to me.
Those days of seeking your forgiveness made it worse. And I just couldn't stop myself from making the same mistakes.
Now, I'm doing better. Honestly, the other day in the library was the happiest I have been in 4 weeks. Although we didn't speak, I just loved seeing you again. But if you had been able to hear my heart, you would have heard it beating like crazy. Beads of sweat kept forming on my forehead and I asked myself why.
And it soon occurred to me.
I had fallen for you.
In all my efforts to prevent myself from being involved again, I had let myself fall for you. But I felt that it was the right thing to do. Because I felt you were worth it. Honestly, regardless of what others have told you, I still think you're an amazing girl.
I hope you don't think I'm sounding possessive or desperate. Maybe a little pathetic... But the bottom line is, I still like you a lot. And it doesn't matter to me if it takes you 5 days or 5 months; if there was even a glimmer of hope for us, I would wait. I'm prepared to help you through everything; as a friend first. And I don't believe in emotional baggage. Whatever's happened in the past is not something for me to pick on because you were not a part of my life back then. I have my secrets too...
So... I guess that's it. Please don't feel stressed out by this. If you must, just treat this as an emotional ranting of a love-sick fool. Like this:
"Give me your secrets;
Bring me a sign.
Give me a reason,
To walk the fire."
Cos I would.
Do take care, babe.
I did not say alot about the failed friendship this time around because of a number of factors. I know this reaction of mine is vastly different from what I have always done before but learning from those experiences made me realise that maybe some things are better left unsaid.
But I decide that I need to explain myself. So here goes. I'm not trying to change your mind or anything. I just want to be honest.
Ning told me about what you told her. Not anything new. Just that things are difficult for you right now and that you need your own time and space. I guess it was more effective coming from her because she wasn't being hostile. And so, I've decided to give you as much time as you need.
I know things have been tough for you. You do have alot on your plate and at that time, I didn't realise how much I was adding on to it. We are beyond apologies because I've sincerely apologised for everything. School's coming to a close and although I'm utterly morose at the thought of never seeing your smile for another 2 months, I have to say that I'm glad it is going to give you some time to recover.
I still worry about you. I know I'm not supposed to. But I still think of when I don't see you online and I guess you're out and how you're going to take a cab home. And I know that you'll be in pain after a long and tiring day. And I worry.
I made alot of mistakes in our friendship. I guess I shouldn't have rushed things but I was so caught up in you and how much you made me happy, I was being impatient. I realise now that you made some efforts to accomodate that and I appreciate it.
If you looked through my blog, you would have realised that I had blogged a fair number of times this year. Except for a blip in July. That was when I had to let go of someone I truly loved. And it was so painful for me that I cried myself to sleep those nights. But slowly and surely, I learnt to let go. Around August was when we first began having classes together.
Initially I was afraid of your no-nonsense style. But as the days passed and August became September, I grew to like you. At first, I was afraid to let it be known. I grappled with the thought of telling you, seeing how we still had classes. I struggled to stop myself from admiring you in class. Why did you think I started sitting behind you after a while? So you wouldn't catch me looking at you.
I was still reeling and picking up the pieces when we stayed up all night talking about our crushes. I loved how natural we were with each other and how comfortable you were talking to me about your problems. And with every reply, I was fighting against my own emotions in deciding whether or not I could tell you. I knew the results would be negative but somehow, I knew I had to try. You apologised and we were ok. Until we had that little misunderstanding and argument in class.
But soon, you told me you had started to like me. And I was happy. Honestly, I was. And for that night, all those memories of crying myself to sleep seemed so far away. You made me feel happy and confident again. You made me feel like I could just be myself. And I started to like you even more.
I loved picking you up from home and fetching you from your outings. Because that meant I got to spend time with you. Even if it was a 5 minute drive, I'd still make the journey, knowing that out of a 24-hour day, 5 minutes would be spent in your company. And I had hoped that I could be the one who would make things easier for you.
But I screwed it all up with my impatience; and soon, I drove you away. And my whole world came crashing down around me. And I was left kicking myself in the ass for losing such a great girl. Cos by that point in time, you had meant that much to me.
Those days of seeking your forgiveness made it worse. And I just couldn't stop myself from making the same mistakes.
Now, I'm doing better. Honestly, the other day in the library was the happiest I have been in 4 weeks. Although we didn't speak, I just loved seeing you again. But if you had been able to hear my heart, you would have heard it beating like crazy. Beads of sweat kept forming on my forehead and I asked myself why.
And it soon occurred to me.
I had fallen for you.
In all my efforts to prevent myself from being involved again, I had let myself fall for you. But I felt that it was the right thing to do. Because I felt you were worth it. Honestly, regardless of what others have told you, I still think you're an amazing girl.
I hope you don't think I'm sounding possessive or desperate. Maybe a little pathetic... But the bottom line is, I still like you a lot. And it doesn't matter to me if it takes you 5 days or 5 months; if there was even a glimmer of hope for us, I would wait. I'm prepared to help you through everything; as a friend first. And I don't believe in emotional baggage. Whatever's happened in the past is not something for me to pick on because you were not a part of my life back then. I have my secrets too...
So... I guess that's it. Please don't feel stressed out by this. If you must, just treat this as an emotional ranting of a love-sick fool. Like this:
"Give me your secrets;
Bring me a sign.
Give me a reason,
To walk the fire."
Cos I would.
Do take care, babe.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Act 3, Scene 1: Pineapple Cream Cheese Pie
Today in class, I heard an audio recording of a little girl reading a short passage on her grandmother's clogs. She had a problem with the '-s' endings and all the words containing them became '-s'-less. E.g. Clogs became clog, grandmother's became grandmother and so on and so forth.
So I was having dinner at LJS earlier and had gotten myself the thus-titled dessert. And I turned to the two ladies next to me and said, 'I wonder what would happen if that girl had grown up and was ordering what I'm having.'
"Umm... Oh, could I also get a Pineapple Cream CHEE PIE?" o_O Haha... (You know what I'm talking about)
So anyway, there's the super dumb DSE presentation tomorrow. Been really stressed out over it for the past few weeks. Been eating to stave off the stress. And as a result, I've put on weight. Alot of weight... So I'm gonna have to work it all off after next week. Stupid last weeks of school...
Also, I tried doing my military presses last night. I think I'm getting a relapse of my SDH cos it's really starting to hurt. I only did one set of 20 reps. So... I'm not really too happy about this. Was wondering if I needed to return to the pool for my workouts.
Oh well.. Let's let the stupid week pass us by and I can concentrate on the more important things in life. Like finishing up my bike lessons and finally planning for that trip. Hai.. hope things work out.
So I was having dinner at LJS earlier and had gotten myself the thus-titled dessert. And I turned to the two ladies next to me and said, 'I wonder what would happen if that girl had grown up and was ordering what I'm having.'
"Umm... Oh, could I also get a Pineapple Cream CHEE PIE?" o_O Haha... (You know what I'm talking about)
So anyway, there's the super dumb DSE presentation tomorrow. Been really stressed out over it for the past few weeks. Been eating to stave off the stress. And as a result, I've put on weight. Alot of weight... So I'm gonna have to work it all off after next week. Stupid last weeks of school...
Also, I tried doing my military presses last night. I think I'm getting a relapse of my SDH cos it's really starting to hurt. I only did one set of 20 reps. So... I'm not really too happy about this. Was wondering if I needed to return to the pool for my workouts.
Oh well.. Let's let the stupid week pass us by and I can concentrate on the more important things in life. Like finishing up my bike lessons and finally planning for that trip. Hai.. hope things work out.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Act 2, Scene 6: If God is with me...
I've been feeling very fatigued lately. I don't know if it's the stress of stuff but the past week has been pretty easy going. But I really don't know. Between trying to keep my head above the water and getting my assignments done, I feel like giving up already.
I always thought my English was better than my Math. After all, my grades in school seemed to prove that point beautifully. But now that I am in NIE, it seems that the converse is true. Maybe it's like what my mentor once told me, 'If you had to do an English test, you would score perfectly. But you can't explain why or how you did it. You just do it.' Because, I am really lost in where I am supposed to be in English. And I am really so unmotivated to find myself that I am really harbouring thoughts of giving up.
Anyway, for the second Math test on Geometry, I got 42/50. That's 84%; a slight improvement on the 83.3% I got on the last test. I'd say that's pretty good considering I studied for all of 3 minutes running from the library to the classroomm where I was supposed to take the test. Yes... I am praising myself. =P Go f*ck yourself if you don't believe in such things.
Where am I on this whole 'you' thing?
Well, I'll be honest and admit that I've been watching things from afar. But with no malicious intent. More like with cautious apprehension. I know she's going through a tough time, and even though I don't fully understand what's going on, I still want to help. But wanting something for somebody and being wanted are two different things. Yesterday, I caved in and wished her well because that was the least I could do. And this morning, I read her blog. She's sick; friends seem to be giving her problems; her words seem so defeatist. And all I could think of was how much I wanted to help and support her. But.. my hands are tied.
And her best friend told her that somebody likes her.
I hope I can be happy for her.
I hope I can be happy too.
I always thought my English was better than my Math. After all, my grades in school seemed to prove that point beautifully. But now that I am in NIE, it seems that the converse is true. Maybe it's like what my mentor once told me, 'If you had to do an English test, you would score perfectly. But you can't explain why or how you did it. You just do it.' Because, I am really lost in where I am supposed to be in English. And I am really so unmotivated to find myself that I am really harbouring thoughts of giving up.
Anyway, for the second Math test on Geometry, I got 42/50. That's 84%; a slight improvement on the 83.3% I got on the last test. I'd say that's pretty good considering I studied for all of 3 minutes running from the library to the classroomm where I was supposed to take the test. Yes... I am praising myself. =P Go f*ck yourself if you don't believe in such things.
Where am I on this whole 'you' thing?
Well, I'll be honest and admit that I've been watching things from afar. But with no malicious intent. More like with cautious apprehension. I know she's going through a tough time, and even though I don't fully understand what's going on, I still want to help. But wanting something for somebody and being wanted are two different things. Yesterday, I caved in and wished her well because that was the least I could do. And this morning, I read her blog. She's sick; friends seem to be giving her problems; her words seem so defeatist. And all I could think of was how much I wanted to help and support her. But.. my hands are tied.
And her best friend told her that somebody likes her.
I hope I can be happy for her.
I hope I can be happy too.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Act 2, Scene 5: And I thought you really liked me...
Was driving today in the torrential storm, when this annoying little tune started playing on the radio.
"I had a dream we went away;
left this city for a day.
You took me southwards on a plane,
and showed me Spain or somewhere.
But in reality you're
not so keen to show me anything;
and I thought you liked me."
And I thought about her. I guess I did make things really bad for you but I still don't believe I should have been punished the way I did. Because when the second verse started playing, it summed up what I had wanted to tell you:
"So what you gonna to do with all this stuff,
piling up, filling up, taking up. (my little ....)
You misunderstand me.
All I wanted was some evidence,
that you really liked me."
I really want to talk to you. Not so much to convince you anymore. But just so I could clear things up. But I don't think I will be extended the dis-pleasure. So I don't know what to do anymore. I have so many questions left unanswered and so much I have to say but you won't listen any more.
I see you in school. The reason why you don't is because when I do, I turn and walk the farther way. Why? Not because I hate you. But because you told me not to make my presence felt. I yearn to come up and say hello and smile to you but I know I can't. And it kills me inside.
But I still see you smile. And that's probably enough. Knowing you're happy with your friends and your thoughts. And maybe moving on means being happy seeing you that way. I can't help but wonder if I could have been the one who gave you a reason to smile.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I resumed my bike practicals last week. Been riding in the rain for the past 3 lessons. Its fun when the rain is really beating down on you and all you hear is the droning of the raindrops on your helmet. Helps block out everything else that is happening around you. Was drenched the first time cos of the rain but underneath the raincoat it was warm and toasty so it wasn't so bad.
Second lesson wasn't that bad. It stopped raining after a while so we took off our raincoats but had to put them back on as soon as we got on the bikes.
But the third nearly killed me - literally. It was raining before I got there so they told us to put on our raincoats. We always have to wear long sleeved shirts and pants for our practicals. So underneath our raincoats, we were fully covered already. But by the time the lesson began, the rain had stopped and it was only slightly drizzling. We kept our raincoats on. Then the sun came out; warming up the circuit. Water evaporated making the air thick and heavy. The bike engines were hot after half a day of running; it made the air thicker and heavier. Covered from head-to-toe, it felt like I was in a sauna. Concentration went to hell. I couldn't be bothered. Had some kid in front of me who refused to turn even when he had a good 10 seconds clearance just because he saw some freaking car. I had to put my bike in neutral just so I could release the cramp in my hand.
Near the end of the lesson, it got worse. I was feeling light-headed and my heartbeat rate got faster. My body was warm. I could feel my core body temperature at a high and it felt as if somebody had put coals into my rain coat. I was perspiring and the sweat evaporated in the raincoat turning it into a sauna. I was losing concentration fast and I knew that at some point, I was going to collapse. I was getting a heat stroke.
Relief didn't come soon enough. As soon as I got off the bike, my legs felt as if I had lead boots on. I was leaning the bike against my body; using purely my body weight to keep it up as I was pushing it back to the bike park. I took off my gloves. Touched my helmet strap. It was soaked. There was even beads of perspiration streaming off of it. Walked as quickly as I could to the raincoat stands and proceeded to take off my raincoat. Result?
Coat: Soaked thoroughly. Whole inner lining slick with perspiration.
Pants: Soaked.
Touched my shirt. Soaked. EVERY INCH of it. And it didn't rain so that meant every bit of the water was from perspiration itself.
Jeans. Soaked all the way through. Front and back.
The moment the instructor gave us water, I drank the whole bottle. I didn't hear a single word he said. All I could think about was, 'I need to bring my core temperature down before I DO get a stroke'.
He let us off. I took off. Went to the water cooler. Refilled my bottle. Went to the carpark. Soaked my towel with water. Washed my head with the cold water. Only then could I think clearly. Kept the towel on my head and got into the car and blasted the aircon. Sweat on my clothes immediately cooled me down and helped bring my temperature down. Rehydrated with more water and isotonic drinks.
So that was my brush with heat-stroke. I didn't tell anybody about it but I knew I was in alot of trouble.
Today, I had a funny encounter in the carpark of BBDC. Well, funny for me cos the idiot should have been pissed. It was raining heavily. I had gone to BBDC to top up my stored value. Was at the carpark but it was full so I just drove round and round the carpark. I saw this lady walking to her car. So I trailed her. But when she got to a car, some other car was waiting there. I didnt think he had waited especially for her cos he had been there when I did my rounds. But the moment he saw her, he reversed his car towards her. It was near a bend. I wanted to turn right so I could position myself for a reverse parking. But the fella had other ideas. So he purposely blocked me so I couldn't. So I reversed and overtook him. Luckily for me, in his passion in focusing on reversing to block me, he hadn't seen another car pull out of the lot in fron of him. So now that I was ahead of him, I just quickly drove in and parked. Haha. And when I got out of my car to walk to the building, the lady whose car we thought had wanted to exit, was walking back to the building as well. Apparently she had gone to her car just to get something. Haha..so the idiot now had no lots. And I laughed my ass off as I walked. Amateur...
"I had a dream we went away;
left this city for a day.
You took me southwards on a plane,
and showed me Spain or somewhere.
But in reality you're
not so keen to show me anything;
and I thought you liked me."
And I thought about her. I guess I did make things really bad for you but I still don't believe I should have been punished the way I did. Because when the second verse started playing, it summed up what I had wanted to tell you:
"So what you gonna to do with all this stuff,
piling up, filling up, taking up. (my little ....)
You misunderstand me.
All I wanted was some evidence,
that you really liked me."
I really want to talk to you. Not so much to convince you anymore. But just so I could clear things up. But I don't think I will be extended the dis-pleasure. So I don't know what to do anymore. I have so many questions left unanswered and so much I have to say but you won't listen any more.
I see you in school. The reason why you don't is because when I do, I turn and walk the farther way. Why? Not because I hate you. But because you told me not to make my presence felt. I yearn to come up and say hello and smile to you but I know I can't. And it kills me inside.
But I still see you smile. And that's probably enough. Knowing you're happy with your friends and your thoughts. And maybe moving on means being happy seeing you that way. I can't help but wonder if I could have been the one who gave you a reason to smile.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I resumed my bike practicals last week. Been riding in the rain for the past 3 lessons. Its fun when the rain is really beating down on you and all you hear is the droning of the raindrops on your helmet. Helps block out everything else that is happening around you. Was drenched the first time cos of the rain but underneath the raincoat it was warm and toasty so it wasn't so bad.
Second lesson wasn't that bad. It stopped raining after a while so we took off our raincoats but had to put them back on as soon as we got on the bikes.
But the third nearly killed me - literally. It was raining before I got there so they told us to put on our raincoats. We always have to wear long sleeved shirts and pants for our practicals. So underneath our raincoats, we were fully covered already. But by the time the lesson began, the rain had stopped and it was only slightly drizzling. We kept our raincoats on. Then the sun came out; warming up the circuit. Water evaporated making the air thick and heavy. The bike engines were hot after half a day of running; it made the air thicker and heavier. Covered from head-to-toe, it felt like I was in a sauna. Concentration went to hell. I couldn't be bothered. Had some kid in front of me who refused to turn even when he had a good 10 seconds clearance just because he saw some freaking car. I had to put my bike in neutral just so I could release the cramp in my hand.
Near the end of the lesson, it got worse. I was feeling light-headed and my heartbeat rate got faster. My body was warm. I could feel my core body temperature at a high and it felt as if somebody had put coals into my rain coat. I was perspiring and the sweat evaporated in the raincoat turning it into a sauna. I was losing concentration fast and I knew that at some point, I was going to collapse. I was getting a heat stroke.
Relief didn't come soon enough. As soon as I got off the bike, my legs felt as if I had lead boots on. I was leaning the bike against my body; using purely my body weight to keep it up as I was pushing it back to the bike park. I took off my gloves. Touched my helmet strap. It was soaked. There was even beads of perspiration streaming off of it. Walked as quickly as I could to the raincoat stands and proceeded to take off my raincoat. Result?
Coat: Soaked thoroughly. Whole inner lining slick with perspiration.
Pants: Soaked.
Touched my shirt. Soaked. EVERY INCH of it. And it didn't rain so that meant every bit of the water was from perspiration itself.
Jeans. Soaked all the way through. Front and back.
The moment the instructor gave us water, I drank the whole bottle. I didn't hear a single word he said. All I could think about was, 'I need to bring my core temperature down before I DO get a stroke'.
He let us off. I took off. Went to the water cooler. Refilled my bottle. Went to the carpark. Soaked my towel with water. Washed my head with the cold water. Only then could I think clearly. Kept the towel on my head and got into the car and blasted the aircon. Sweat on my clothes immediately cooled me down and helped bring my temperature down. Rehydrated with more water and isotonic drinks.
So that was my brush with heat-stroke. I didn't tell anybody about it but I knew I was in alot of trouble.
Today, I had a funny encounter in the carpark of BBDC. Well, funny for me cos the idiot should have been pissed. It was raining heavily. I had gone to BBDC to top up my stored value. Was at the carpark but it was full so I just drove round and round the carpark. I saw this lady walking to her car. So I trailed her. But when she got to a car, some other car was waiting there. I didnt think he had waited especially for her cos he had been there when I did my rounds. But the moment he saw her, he reversed his car towards her. It was near a bend. I wanted to turn right so I could position myself for a reverse parking. But the fella had other ideas. So he purposely blocked me so I couldn't. So I reversed and overtook him. Luckily for me, in his passion in focusing on reversing to block me, he hadn't seen another car pull out of the lot in fron of him. So now that I was ahead of him, I just quickly drove in and parked. Haha. And when I got out of my car to walk to the building, the lady whose car we thought had wanted to exit, was walking back to the building as well. Apparently she had gone to her car just to get something. Haha..so the idiot now had no lots. And I laughed my ass off as I walked. Amateur...
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Act 2, Scene 4: Crush
When things don't go as planned and I have to make the move to leave, I usually do so feeling like I have done my best and hoping that I did not compromise my principles in my pursuit. That being said, I usually wish the other party the best in everything while still keeping the channel open should we realise otherwise in future. Also, I stress my insistence on being friends.
I am never malicious in such partings, no matter how much it kills me inside to walk away, knowing I still have feelings for that someone. I don't wish them bad luck or pray that they will regret walking away. On the contrary, I've always their best intentions in mind.
That being said, I have your best intentions in mind. I know it's hard for you to accept that I'm dealing with this not in the manner that I am supposed to; but I just don't want you to hate me more than what I've already caused. That's why I wished you the best. And that's why I advised you against him. Yes, you have every right to want what you think is best for you; but as a friend, I wouldn't want you to get hurt. But know this, I will not stand in your way. I will always be here, though, should you ever need me.
I understand how you feel right now because you're not the first. But I respect your decision and I understand your need for a space. You do not need me in your life, girl. But I just hope you know that you're still a big part of mine.
Sorry.
I am never malicious in such partings, no matter how much it kills me inside to walk away, knowing I still have feelings for that someone. I don't wish them bad luck or pray that they will regret walking away. On the contrary, I've always their best intentions in mind.
That being said, I have your best intentions in mind. I know it's hard for you to accept that I'm dealing with this not in the manner that I am supposed to; but I just don't want you to hate me more than what I've already caused. That's why I wished you the best. And that's why I advised you against him. Yes, you have every right to want what you think is best for you; but as a friend, I wouldn't want you to get hurt. But know this, I will not stand in your way. I will always be here, though, should you ever need me.
I understand how you feel right now because you're not the first. But I respect your decision and I understand your need for a space. You do not need me in your life, girl. But I just hope you know that you're still a big part of mine.
Sorry.
Friday, October 10, 2008
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Act 2, Scene 2: The Hanging Men
I saw you today... and honestly I didn't know how to react. I wanted to say hello but I thought about what you said about you needing your space. So I didn't do anything... and it killed me inside.
I can't stop apologising because I dunno what else I could say to make it better. I don't think not saying will make anything better but may be it will. I know you're still upset and I understand. Please understand too that I'm trying. And make some allowances for the things I say or do because all I ever wish for you is the best.
It's hard when you wish the best for someone but they keep thinking you're just being intrusive. Because its happened before... I know how it feels and frankly...
... maybe its better if I walk away now. Cos I really don't need another heartbreak?
I can't stop apologising because I dunno what else I could say to make it better. I don't think not saying will make anything better but may be it will. I know you're still upset and I understand. Please understand too that I'm trying. And make some allowances for the things I say or do because all I ever wish for you is the best.
It's hard when you wish the best for someone but they keep thinking you're just being intrusive. Because its happened before... I know how it feels and frankly...
... maybe its better if I walk away now. Cos I really don't need another heartbreak?
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Act 2, Scene 1: Mistakes, I've my share...
To: You,
I wouldn't know how else I was going to tell you this. Especially when you won't speak to me. So I thought I'd put it here instead.
I was never in it for the short haul. In fact, I saw a lot of the things I liked in you. Your shy smile; disbelieving giggle; right down to how you forced yourself to stay awake just because I was driving. And as the days passed by, I felt that I was growing fonder of you.
I admit, I was being too pushy and it made you feel constricted and stressed-out. With this period of unending assignments and relatives coming over to visit, I knew I was making it worse. But I didn't realise it quick enough. And pretty soon, I pushed you away.
I know its hard for you to like me. Maybe the real reason hasn't surfaced between us... The night you told me you did, was the best night of my year so far.
It's hard for me to explain how I feel about you now. Because on the one hand, I would want you to know how much joy you had brought me. And on the other, I'm wary that if I did, it would scare you away. Rest assured, you mean a lot to me; as a friend first. And that's why it's killing me that you're so mad at me.
I'm sorry I was moving too fast. And I'm sorry I upset you. I would like to ask for a second chance; for me to put into practice what I have learnt from my stupidity and to prove to you that you deserve more than what you expect.
So please,girl...?
I wouldn't know how else I was going to tell you this. Especially when you won't speak to me. So I thought I'd put it here instead.
I was never in it for the short haul. In fact, I saw a lot of the things I liked in you. Your shy smile; disbelieving giggle; right down to how you forced yourself to stay awake just because I was driving. And as the days passed by, I felt that I was growing fonder of you.
I admit, I was being too pushy and it made you feel constricted and stressed-out. With this period of unending assignments and relatives coming over to visit, I knew I was making it worse. But I didn't realise it quick enough. And pretty soon, I pushed you away.
I know its hard for you to like me. Maybe the real reason hasn't surfaced between us... The night you told me you did, was the best night of my year so far.
It's hard for me to explain how I feel about you now. Because on the one hand, I would want you to know how much joy you had brought me. And on the other, I'm wary that if I did, it would scare you away. Rest assured, you mean a lot to me; as a friend first. And that's why it's killing me that you're so mad at me.
I'm sorry I was moving too fast. And I'm sorry I upset you. I would like to ask for a second chance; for me to put into practice what I have learnt from my stupidity and to prove to you that you deserve more than what you expect.
So please,girl...?
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