Act 3, Scene 2: Walking the fire

This has been a long time coming.

I did not say alot about the failed friendship this time around because of a number of factors. I know this reaction of mine is vastly different from what I have always done before but learning from those experiences made me realise that maybe some things are better left unsaid.

But I decide that I need to explain myself. So here goes. I'm not trying to change your mind or anything. I just want to be honest.

Ning told me about what you told her. Not anything new. Just that things are difficult for you right now and that you need your own time and space. I guess it was more effective coming from her because she wasn't being hostile. And so, I've decided to give you as much time as you need.

I know things have been tough for you. You do have alot on your plate and at that time, I didn't realise how much I was adding on to it. We are beyond apologies because I've sincerely apologised for everything. School's coming to a close and although I'm utterly morose at the thought of never seeing your smile for another 2 months, I have to say that I'm glad it is going to give you some time to recover.

I still worry about you. I know I'm not supposed to. But I still think of when I don't see you online and I guess you're out and how you're going to take a cab home. And I know that you'll be in pain after a long and tiring day. And I worry.

I made alot of mistakes in our friendship. I guess I shouldn't have rushed things but I was so caught up in you and how much you made me happy, I was being impatient. I realise now that you made some efforts to accomodate that and I appreciate it.

If you looked through my blog, you would have realised that I had blogged a fair number of times this year. Except for a blip in July. That was when I had to let go of someone I truly loved. And it was so painful for me that I cried myself to sleep those nights. But slowly and surely, I learnt to let go. Around August was when we first began having classes together.

Initially I was afraid of your no-nonsense style. But as the days passed and August became September, I grew to like you. At first, I was afraid to let it be known. I grappled with the thought of telling you, seeing how we still had classes. I struggled to stop myself from admiring you in class. Why did you think I started sitting behind you after a while? So you wouldn't catch me looking at you.

I was still reeling and picking up the pieces when we stayed up all night talking about our crushes. I loved how natural we were with each other and how comfortable you were talking to me about your problems. And with every reply, I was fighting against my own emotions in deciding whether or not I could tell you. I knew the results would be negative but somehow, I knew I had to try. You apologised and we were ok. Until we had that little misunderstanding and argument in class.

But soon, you told me you had started to like me. And I was happy. Honestly, I was. And for that night, all those memories of crying myself to sleep seemed so far away. You made me feel happy and confident again. You made me feel like I could just be myself. And I started to like you even more.

I loved picking you up from home and fetching you from your outings. Because that meant I got to spend time with you. Even if it was a 5 minute drive, I'd still make the journey, knowing that out of a 24-hour day, 5 minutes would be spent in your company. And I had hoped that I could be the one who would make things easier for you.

But I screwed it all up with my impatience; and soon, I drove you away. And my whole world came crashing down around me. And I was left kicking myself in the ass for losing such a great girl. Cos by that point in time, you had meant that much to me.

Those days of seeking your forgiveness made it worse. And I just couldn't stop myself from making the same mistakes.

Now, I'm doing better. Honestly, the other day in the library was the happiest I have been in 4 weeks. Although we didn't speak, I just loved seeing you again. But if you had been able to hear my heart, you would have heard it beating like crazy. Beads of sweat kept forming on my forehead and I asked myself why.

And it soon occurred to me.

I had fallen for you.

In all my efforts to prevent myself from being involved again, I had let myself fall for you. But I felt that it was the right thing to do. Because I felt you were worth it. Honestly, regardless of what others have told you, I still think you're an amazing girl.

I hope you don't think I'm sounding possessive or desperate. Maybe a little pathetic... But the bottom line is, I still like you a lot. And it doesn't matter to me if it takes you 5 days or 5 months; if there was even a glimmer of hope for us, I would wait. I'm prepared to help you through everything; as a friend first. And I don't believe in emotional baggage. Whatever's happened in the past is not something for me to pick on because you were not a part of my life back then. I have my secrets too...

So... I guess that's it. Please don't feel stressed out by this. If you must, just treat this as an emotional ranting of a love-sick fool. Like this:

"Give me your secrets;
Bring me a sign.
Give me a reason,
To walk the fire."

Cos I would.
Do take care, babe.