Act 10, Final Scene: Goodbye

I have decided to discontinue blogging through this blog. It came after a multitude of reasons beckoned me to stop. I shan't discuss them here. I thank all those who have read my thoughts and feelings through the 2 books and who may have found some wisdom in my sewer of a brain.

Many things are left hanging but I shall find another, more suitable place to vent my frustrations.

To those I have offended, I apologise.

To those I have inspired, carry on your fight.

To those I have loved, I love you still.

To me, goodbye.

Act 9, Scene 3: Twice, thrice, four times a night

The last entry wasn't meant to belittle the kind soul who left me a comment. I sincerely thank you for doing that. But could you leave me a bit more details of who you are and why you are doing this? I shan't publish your last comment because I feel it is unfair for the rest of us to form judgements of her.

I was feeling very sucky on Friday night after the near-to-nothing LO I had gotten. It really felt sucky that my CT had to do that cos it meant my work had gone to waste. So I was lazing around feeling so depressed waiting for when I had to go to JB to fill up fuel. So I called Princess. She didn't answer initially. But surprisingly, she called me back. And she did her very best to make me feel better about the day. And I did. =)

Then I got another surprising phone call after. It was Khai, my second buddy from YTPS. He was on his way home and just thought about giving me a call to see how I was coping with my TA. It couldn't have come at a better time so I started whining to him too. He gave me a few comforting words and suggestions and wished me luck. Haha.

So I did feel better. Till today that is. I've sent in my Lesson plans for the LOs tomorrow. Only comforting thought is that next week's the last. Then the break. Hai... I know I'm not supposed to feel this crappy but I can't help it. But I guess it'll get somewhat better. I'm giving up my tuition in Jurong cos it's burning up my time and so far I cant think of anything good about it. So I'll be focusing on my Mendaki one which is in Woodlands. That ain't so bad even if I have to rush from school on Wednesdays. Plus the income is pretty stable too. 1.5 hrs, straight bus from Admiralty MRT. Just gotta hang in there I guess.

So anyway, wish me luck yea? Just gotta get thru these 5 days then I am so gonna party on Friday. Haha. You know who with. =)

Act 9, Scene 2: Failure

I don't even want to talk about today's lesson observation. I lost track of time and basically everything went down the drain. CT deemed it not a lesson and nothing to assess so I gotta do another one next week.

Hai...

Best thing is next week is last. Then we'll get a week's break before the start of the new semester. I don't know whether to look forward to it or to turn away in disgust at the memory of my last semester. But I guess I'll deal with it when I get my timetable.

Someone left me a comment on my previous entry. I wish you'd leave me a personal message but I decided it is unfair for me not to publish your comment. I agree with you that our fate and destinies lie with God. But isn't it also true that we are taught that we cannot just hope and tawakal; that we must work for those that we desire? Yes, we plan and Allah decides; but we also pray for guidance and honesty to lead us. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I don't want to think about it negatively. I don't even know you yet you are saying such things to me about her. Please don't judge her by what you read here. I can get too over-emotional.

Many of my friends have said what you are saying. But if they cannot sway me, what makes you think anonymous messages on my blog will? For all I know, you could be somebody who is also interested in her and who would like to see me out of the picture. Let me talk to you and rationalise with you my reasons. I understand you may be doing it out of fear of me being hurt, but honestly, I have seen beyond that. She has every right to be with whoever she chooses to be and I know that I will hurt if it wasn't me, but I also have to make peace with it. And my consoling reason? It's that she will be happy because that is what she wants for herself. I have said it many times that all I ever want for her is to see her happy and if she feels that it is with someone else, then so be it.

Everything that I have done for her has been done without me seeking anything material in return. There are many other things I do for her that I have not mentioned here because everyone will just think that she is using me. She is not. Let me ask you something: Haven't you ever thought of doing something for the one you love no matter how stupid or crazy it sounds to everyone else? Well, I get that alot from my friends who ask me why I am wasting my time on someone who hasn't shown me once that I will get a chance. But I still do; because whenever I see her smile, whenever I get to reassure her or tell her it's going to be ok, I feel a part of me being happy. She doesn't need to know it.

On the way back from the airport, after I had told her how she made me feel, she asked me, "Why do you still stick around even when I treat you badly?". I thought about it for awhile and my reply was:

"I don't think you treat me badly. Maybe abit more difficult than other guys but I don't think it's that bad. I just think that by me having to go through so many hard times with you, I learn more about your quirks and your dislikes and in turn, I learn more about you. Maybe it is God's way of saying, 'It's not your time with her yet. But take each of these as a lesson for the future when it is.' I don't stick around because I don't have other girls; I stick around because I don't want other girls."

I don't know how else to explain myself and my ways. But you are entitled to your opinion and I am to mine. This is my blog and if you have yours, I would love to read it.

I believe that every one of us has a unique way of falling in love. There is no one way to do it because when we put two human beings together, everything is different. Yes, there may be 7 other dopplegangers in the world but personality-wise,culturally and spiritually, we are vastly different.

Maybe one day I will realise what I need to do. Or maybe one day she may realise that I am the one for her. It doesn't matter what others say of us. I'm sure you have told yourself the same thing when you were in a situation not unlike my own.

So I do hope you'll respect her and not pass judgement. She does not have a black heart. She is learning and I am giving her time and space to mould herself into the person she wishes to be. I can only stand by and help her when she stumbles but nonetheless, I am here. I'm sure you too would love to be there for someone and for the same for yourself. Me? I'm still on my journey and it's still not my time. But when it is, I'm sure you'll be reading much happier entries here.

Act 9, Scene 1: Have I told you lately...

Happy Birthday Princess. =)

We were on our way back.

Nur: Why isn't the radio switched on?

Me: Cos I wanna talk to you.

Nur: We still talk when it's on.

*switches on radio*

*Rod Stewart's 'Have I told you lately' came on Class 95's love songs*

Me: Oh my...this song totally describes how I feel about you.

So then I began this half-giggle, half-pouring-out-of-feelings period.

She means the world to me. If ever offered the chance to have it all, I'd still choose her over it. I know it seems unbelievable, but you probably don't know how I feel when she's around.

I'm always nervous and anxious yet I'm calm and happy. I worry about the little things like the temperature of the car's air-con or whether she's thirsty. And worrying about these little things is my way of showing her how much I care.

Case in point: The incident before the start of my TA. I was so nervous two nights before. And I called her and even though we spoke for less than 5 minutes, after the call, I felt like everything would be better. And you know what, it is.

So this song was playing as I told her how much she meant to me:

Have I told you lately that I love you
Have I told you there's no one else above you
Fill my heart with gladness
take away all my sadness
ease my troubles that's what you do

For the morning sun in all it's glory
greets the day with hope and comfort too
You fill my life with laughter
and somehow you make it better
ease my troubles that's what you do

=) Happy Birthday Princess. I love you.

Act 8, Scene 1: Proficient

Today was a good day.

I thought I'd screwed up my LO but it turned out ok. Got a really good review from my NSC but I shan't let it get to my head. Cos the lesson after was a farce. Or so I felt.

Was standing outside class today waiting for the previous teacher to exit when I looked down into the eco-garden of the school. I realised how small the school actually was. Though I've never been to the upper levels, the physical structure of the buildings themselves were small compared to Yew Tee Primary, which, thinking about it now, seems huge. But I still prefer that structure cos it had a really nice view and didn't feel as cramped.

I guess not many people find what they really want to do with their lives. Either because they're not given an opportunity, made a mistake along the way, or maybe just because things did not pan out for them. I could never accept the fact of living the rest of my life behind a desk; only having the people around me for interaction. Teaching is more than that. I wouldn't say it's a passion but when I think back on the different lessons I have, I realise I have an opportunity for 43 different interactions everyday with 43 different people. And how that influences my decisions.

I went through a really rough patch last year. And thinking about it now, no matter how bad it got, all it took was for one of my kids to come up to me and just smile and let me know how much he's enjoying the class. You see, no matter how fierce and disciplined I may get, those closest to me always know that I won't stay that way for long. And these kids sure are fast in catching on to that. They know I would reserve a severe scolding only when multiple parties are involved and when they make a mistake, I am quick to reason it out with them and find a solution. I am beyond the reasoning that shouting and humiliation are ways to solve a child's misbehaviour. I believe in making the child take responsibility for his actions and working together to find a solution. But I know that it may not always work out but I hope, at least, it would not stop the child from approaching me again if he ever needed help.

There's not much going on in my life right now and apart from being exhausted every night, I don't see anything else to talk about. I'm trying to finish up my tuition in Jurong and release it. I don't know really. But sometimes, I just wish people would realise how much I'm giving up to make it easier for them. I don't need the verbal gratification; rather, perhaps the emotional acknowledgement. Hai... I dunno. Maybe that's asking too much?

Interlude: enough said

Act 7, Scene 9: sitting and wondering

I had my first tuning in session today. It's this session at the start of a class where a teacher recaps or revises previously taught concepts and all. So I was going through the addition, aubtraction and multiplication of decimals. All was going fine and I had explained that for addition and subtraction, we would do it as we would when dealing with whole numbers. And was yakking away about the decimal point and all.

Then we got to multiplication. And everything was going ok until I had finished drawing the decimal point. Then, I stopped.

"Wait a minute. The decimal points aren't aligned. Where should it be?" I thought to myself. And for a long time,I didn't turn back to face my class. I was stumped. Haha.

The children were equally stumped. Then I asked, "Ok..is this right?". Up til then I hadn't dared face my CT. But then I realized that I needed to do something to salvage the situation. And then it hit me. I had multiplied a decimal with another decimal which is something they have never learnt. And which I have, at most times, used a calculator to accomplish. So I changed the question, on the pretext that it was too difficult for them, to something ridiculously easy. Haha. My CT met me after the class and told me "Good save.. Never let them know you've made a mistake.". Haha. At least she was understanding.

So anyway, today was an ok day. None of the debacle of yesterday which I shan't try to recall here but which was bad to say the very least. Today was quite a relaxed day.

I was wondering today: who draws all those pictures that are used in composition writing/oral picture discussions? I mean is there a company that employs people to do it? And where do they get the inspiration to do it? I wouldn't say it's that spectacular but I do wonder how one gets a job doing that. It'd be interesting to know.

So anyway, got Mendaki later. Haha. That should be fun. I was so pissed off at always being accused of not switching off my lights and fans so I stood at the door during the last lesson and kept repeating, "No..we must wait until the fans stop spinning then we can go." loudly; so that my accuser could hear. And fortunately he wasn't so dense and he got the message that I was making fun of him so he waved me off. Idiot. Too bad he doesn't know that my pet peeve is being accused of doing things I didn't do. Felt like smacking him on the forehead. Idiot.

But it's all good. And today will be undeniably good too. See ya.