Act 9, Scene 2: Failure

I don't even want to talk about today's lesson observation. I lost track of time and basically everything went down the drain. CT deemed it not a lesson and nothing to assess so I gotta do another one next week.

Hai...

Best thing is next week is last. Then we'll get a week's break before the start of the new semester. I don't know whether to look forward to it or to turn away in disgust at the memory of my last semester. But I guess I'll deal with it when I get my timetable.

Someone left me a comment on my previous entry. I wish you'd leave me a personal message but I decided it is unfair for me not to publish your comment. I agree with you that our fate and destinies lie with God. But isn't it also true that we are taught that we cannot just hope and tawakal; that we must work for those that we desire? Yes, we plan and Allah decides; but we also pray for guidance and honesty to lead us. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I don't want to think about it negatively. I don't even know you yet you are saying such things to me about her. Please don't judge her by what you read here. I can get too over-emotional.

Many of my friends have said what you are saying. But if they cannot sway me, what makes you think anonymous messages on my blog will? For all I know, you could be somebody who is also interested in her and who would like to see me out of the picture. Let me talk to you and rationalise with you my reasons. I understand you may be doing it out of fear of me being hurt, but honestly, I have seen beyond that. She has every right to be with whoever she chooses to be and I know that I will hurt if it wasn't me, but I also have to make peace with it. And my consoling reason? It's that she will be happy because that is what she wants for herself. I have said it many times that all I ever want for her is to see her happy and if she feels that it is with someone else, then so be it.

Everything that I have done for her has been done without me seeking anything material in return. There are many other things I do for her that I have not mentioned here because everyone will just think that she is using me. She is not. Let me ask you something: Haven't you ever thought of doing something for the one you love no matter how stupid or crazy it sounds to everyone else? Well, I get that alot from my friends who ask me why I am wasting my time on someone who hasn't shown me once that I will get a chance. But I still do; because whenever I see her smile, whenever I get to reassure her or tell her it's going to be ok, I feel a part of me being happy. She doesn't need to know it.

On the way back from the airport, after I had told her how she made me feel, she asked me, "Why do you still stick around even when I treat you badly?". I thought about it for awhile and my reply was:

"I don't think you treat me badly. Maybe abit more difficult than other guys but I don't think it's that bad. I just think that by me having to go through so many hard times with you, I learn more about your quirks and your dislikes and in turn, I learn more about you. Maybe it is God's way of saying, 'It's not your time with her yet. But take each of these as a lesson for the future when it is.' I don't stick around because I don't have other girls; I stick around because I don't want other girls."

I don't know how else to explain myself and my ways. But you are entitled to your opinion and I am to mine. This is my blog and if you have yours, I would love to read it.

I believe that every one of us has a unique way of falling in love. There is no one way to do it because when we put two human beings together, everything is different. Yes, there may be 7 other dopplegangers in the world but personality-wise,culturally and spiritually, we are vastly different.

Maybe one day I will realise what I need to do. Or maybe one day she may realise that I am the one for her. It doesn't matter what others say of us. I'm sure you have told yourself the same thing when you were in a situation not unlike my own.

So I do hope you'll respect her and not pass judgement. She does not have a black heart. She is learning and I am giving her time and space to mould herself into the person she wishes to be. I can only stand by and help her when she stumbles but nonetheless, I am here. I'm sure you too would love to be there for someone and for the same for yourself. Me? I'm still on my journey and it's still not my time. But when it is, I'm sure you'll be reading much happier entries here.