Act 1, Scene 2: For Princess

"I meant what I said, and I said what I meant.
An Elephant is faithful, 100 percent."

- Horton

"You'll always be my Princess, and I'll always be your friend."

- Me

You have my promise.

We have a great friendship.

Hang in there, girl. Things will get better.

I promise.

Princess,

I can never imagine myself loving someone other than you.

I feel like I have found my one.

And anyone after you will never be able to fill the place you have in my heart.

So I won't let them waste their time.

You truly are, the Love of my life. =)

Book 2, Act 1, Scene 1: The Return

Here and now it begins.

I return, stronger and wiser.

Cower in fear for now I shall exact my revenge on those who desire it. Transgress further and fail.

Don't be foolish. You have already lost.

Act 8, Scene 1: Epilogue

This shall be the last Act and Scene for this Book.

I have decided to take an indefinite break from blogging for the time being to collect my thoughts and lay out my future options.

From time to time, I shall post a few of my writings here as I produce them in the upcoming holidays.

To all those who have read and offered me their support and kind words, I shall now repay you with my own kind words. Thank you. You will never imagine how much even the slightest words of your encouragement meant to me in my most dire hours.

On the other hand, for those who have used this blog as a source of ridicule and humiliation for me and who have used it to drive my friendship into turmoil, do not rejoice yet for the success of your evil plans,for this is not the last Book. There shall be others after it and within them, though the characters may change, will contain thousands of other moments which will make a mockery out of your own pathetic lives.

To my one, true love, Princess: This is not the end, but the sabbatical you have requested. May you find peace and love in this time; love far worthier and purer than even I can offer you. I shall always be here when you need me, although now not be that time. And I shall be happy if you have found it. I truly will. But if you do not, know that my love for you will never wane. It shall remain strong; like a mast bracing against the storm, even as the sails billow and strain against its hold. I have loved you ever since the first moment I realised it and till the day I die, I shall hold onto that promise.


We do almost everything that lovers do,

and that's why it's hard just to be friends with you.


Everytime your heart is broken by the fool,

I want you to know that it hurts me too.


It's hard to wipe your tears away.

Knowing that you should be with me.

Now tell me why..


Why, why are we still friends,

when everything says we should be more than we are?

and tell me why,

everytime I find someone that I like,

we always end up just being friends.


I would hate for you to find somebody new,

Who you really love, cause it would mean losing you.

But am I a fool girl not to see,

if I'm always scared I'll lose you anyway.

Somehow somewhere I've got to choose.

No matter if it's win or lose.


To my friend, Nur: I have failed miserably in this friendship but I hope you hang onto the fond memories we had together; for one day, when it is time, we shall rekindle our friendship and it will shine as an example for other friendships to follow. Please forgive me if I have wronged you. I love you more than I love myself and would die before I would bear to see you sad. Which made these past few days hell for me. Hamba halalkan semua makan dan minum yang telah hamba berikan; semua pemberian yang telah hamba hadiahkan; dan semua pengorbanan yang telah hamba lunaskan. I hope that you will do the same for me.

This could last 2 days or it could last 2 years. But it is not the end. It is merely the end of the first Book. The next one shall be the beginning of the second.

Bow

*Curtain Closes*

*Stage lights dim*

*Theatre lights*

Exit: Stage Left

Wipe away tears

Deep breaths

Smile

I love, Nur.

Act 7, Scene 4: Doubt

If you're reading this and know me personally, call me.

Right now...

I'm not even kidding la.

Hai...

Or tomorrow you'll be coming to my funeral.

Act 7, Scene 3: Regrets

I was watching Suria earlier, some funny variety/awards show. Then Hyrul Anuar came out and sang this song:

"Terkadang masa,
Menikam dan terus berlalu pergi.
Meninggal kan sisa dan membuka seribu luka di hati.
Walau ku cuba hindarkan sesal di dada.
Kesilapan lalu menghantui diri ku...

Segala yang indah sering menemani ruang sepi ku.
Senyum dan tawa mu masih jelas terbayang di mata ku.
Kini semuanya menjadi kenangan silam.
Sesal hati dirundung kecewa...

Aku...
Tak pernah menduga...
Begini hebatnya duka lara bila berakhirnya cinta.
Mengapa sukar untuk ku melupakan mu,
Namun mudahnya kau membenci diri ini...

Apalah gunanya ku terus mencari kesilapan diri.
Sedang kau tak pernah ingin mengerti perasaan di hati.
Pernah kah kau rasa, hangatnya genangan.
Air mataku yang tak mungkin mengalir.

Sungguh aku tak pernah mengerti.
Mengapa semua harus begini...
Seribu luka...
Kesal dihati...

Betapa ku kesal...
Biar ku...
Sendiri..."

Couldn't help it. Was tearing on the way to my room.

The song explains EXACTLY what I'm feeling now. Right down to the part of being hurt and confused at the same time.

And the regrets.

Thinking back to just last week when we were so happy. And how fast things changed.

Please don't think bad of her when you read this. Read it and think, 'Azlan did say he will accept all responsibility for any hurt he felt. So we cannot pity him.'

Yes. Think that way. Don't pity me. I just want to let it out so I don't feel so f**ked up. Hai...I wanted to scream when I woke up.


Been crying myself to sleep for the past three nights. And when I wake up in the morning, the first thing I do is think of her and cry.


She's forgiven me..But it feels like we're so far away, it's the same.

I guess it's another night of crying myself to sleep...

And another morning of wishing I hadn't let her go out of the car...

=(

I'm suffering, Nur.

Act 7, Scene 2: Tequila Sunrise

Have I lost the only one I ever loved so deeply?

Have I lost my Best Friend?

Have you ever gone to sleep crying...

Only to wake up still crying?

And wish that God would take you away so you wouldn't feel so empty?

Have you ever dreaded taking a step..because every one that you take reminds you of the one you love?

And reminds you of their being gone...

Every step...brings you farther away...when all you want to do is go back?

Have I lost you?

Nur.

Act 7, Scene 1: The finale

I am being selfish.

By loving her, I am being selfish.

She should have the chance to live how she wants to and do the things that she feels like doing.

I am just a friend. I cannot hold her back, even if I want to keep her safe.

As I was driving today, I thought about how much I must be hurting her; forcing her to make a decision I know she cannot make without sacrifices.

It will be unfair for her to be with me. I don't deserve her. Really I don't. Not after I've hurt her so much.

I am a friend. And I love her.

It is ok if she never loves me, because it is enough that she lets me love her.

I am selfish.

But I will learn.

Learn to accept.

Learn to let her go.

Learn to just be there without asking for anything in return.

I still love you alot.

It's ok. Everything will be ok. I promise.

And I'm sorry...

Because I was selfish.

I still love you, Nur.

Act 6, Scene 5: Sometimes I wish I hadn't been born at all

That's a line from the Queen song, Bohemian Rhapsody.

Mama, I killed a man.

Put a gun against his head, pulled my trigger.

Now he's dead.

...

It's too late, my time has come. Send shivers down my spine; body aching all the time.

Mama..didn't mean to make you cry. If I'm not back again this time tomorrow, carry on, carry on.


=(


I cried while listening to it and thinking about what had just happened.

I'm jealous cos of what you said.

I'm sorry but I just hoped you could have told me something to make me feel better.

But you were angry, I said sorry.

You hung up.

I called. No answer.

You're still angry.

I relent.

I was so happy to see you yesterday. And your mood changed. And I was puzzled.

And you called and I was happy again.

Today, you made me happy again. But now, I feel the deepest of sorrows. Because the one I love, hates me.

What shall I do?

I don't know, Nur.

I really don't know anymore...

Act 6, Scene 4: Carry on

Finally..DCE's handed in. Another due in April.

DCM in 2 week's time. Presentation in 2 weeks + 2 days.

DSE on Friday.

DSM Test 2 next Wednesday. Gotta step up.

4 more weeks officially to week 12.

Hang in there...holiday...School Experience...

Anyway...

Slept at 230 on Saturday. Was pissed...

830 on Sunday.

*Phone Vibrates*

Groggily

'Wanna watch movie?'

=)

Only she can send me a three-word message and turn my whole mood around.

So I went to meet Princess on Sunday too. We had planned to watch a movie but turns out it's gonna be late so we decided to have brunch. She couldn't make up her mind about eating Fried Kway Teow or Carrot Cake..but decided on the Kway Teow cos it seems more filling. So I did what I always do when she can't make up her mind, I'll get both. Haha. Super-pampered la that girl. =)

"Why you buy two? Who's going to eat that?"

"You la. I thought the portion they gave for the Kway Teow was insufficient."

"It's alot la. I don't care, you eat that."

But I had gone off to buy my Dry Yong Tauhu and Coffee. Haha. So traditional right?

Came back and she was waiting for me to start. Awww...

All the while, as I was eating, I kept getting flashbacks to a movie I watched the night before, '4 Brothers'. There was this dinner scene where the brothers were having their own flashbacks about lessons their adoptive mother taught them; especially one where she said, 'Close your mouth while you eat. Were you raised in a barn?' And all the while as I was eating, I consciously tried to keep my mouth closed. Haha. It's harder than you think if you consider I have always not been conscious of the need. Then my mind wandered to, 'Get your elbows off the table.' And once again I moved my elbows off off the table. Haha. I guess when you pay more attention to what you're doing while you eat, it helps build better character cos it helps you be mindful of the company around you. Also, it helps build good posture cos eating with your elbows off the table means your back's got to support your weight.So yea.. =)

And the Carrot Cake? Well, Princess likes good food so she had no problems sharing it with me. =) All the while she was pointing out people who were eating alot and all I said to her was, 'Maybe they haven't eaten for some time.' And when she finished the Carrot Cake, I asked her how come she ate alot and got the same reply. Haha.

Then we walked around to the library cos Princess wanted to borrow a book. Left her to find her book after tagging along for a while and went to the non-fiction section to check out books. Hmm, I don't think mothers should bring their babies to the library. I mean, they should avoid it if possible. But I understand if arrangements can't be made for them to be left at the cafe with their dads. Haha. Maybe libraries should have nurseries with dedicated, trained caretakers to take care of babies. Children, on the other hand, should be educated to observe silence in the library. I remember my mum used to bring me to the library. I wouldn't say I was the quietest child around, and you could usually make some noise in the children's section, but I remembered being very mindful of the sounds I make when I visited the adult section. I would tiptoe just to be mindful of the noise I make.

I remember how much I liked going to the library and how much I loved using my library card and watching the librarian stamp the due dates on the books. It was so cool and the sound just made it cooler. =) We used to go to the library at Jurong East and there always was this smell about the place and I used to like it so much. When I got abit older, I gathered up my courage to borrow multimedia items but I always just chose one item - Michael Jackson's album on CD. Haha. I used to love listening to songs like Billie Jean and Beat It. Hai.. Memories.

So anyway Princess found her book and since it was still early, we went to Starbucks for her coffee fix. I had a Caramel Macchiato which was nice. She had her Java Chip Frapp. And an Oreo cheesecake. She absolutely loves them and although she protested me buying food again, she dug in as soon as I sat down. Haha.

We talked some more as the rain droned outside the window. We got a seat in the corner facing the outside and it was nice. She read her book shile I spent the time admiring how beautiful she looked. =)

Sent her home after getting detergent. Rain had petered down to a drizzle by then and I'd sent her off sooner than I would have liked.

On my way home, I just realised how comfortable we have gotten with each other. It's almost like we're married without the love part. Haha. Brunch, library, coffee, grocery shopping. I love her and I love spending time with her; and if this is how it'll turn out, I wouldn't mind. =) Being with someone you love as a friend and whom you love so much as something more. It's like being in love twice over.

Hmm,it's getting late so I'll continue the second part tomorrow. I can barely think now. Haha.

Sleep tight, Nur.

Act 6, Scene 3: Rewards

Thursday was a nice day.

On Thursday, I finally got up off my fat ass and went out of the house. Haha. AND I finished my assignment. =) Just a few touch-ups and I can safely call it my masterpiece.

I went to school on Thursday and for the very first time in so long, I actually felt as if I didn't know anyone there. I didn't see a single familiar face (other than Bayah but she's not even a friend. =P Acquaintance). I got to school around 12-plus. Went to the library, plopped myself down and forced myself to do my ONE lesson plan. Haha. One..as compared to when I'm out in the real world and have to deal with MULTIPLE. I'm gonna die.

But wasn't as bad as I thought. All that reading I had done the day before helped me write it out pretty coherently. And soon I was done and feeling happy with myself. Princess was quiet the whole day so I didn't have anyone to talk to either.

Finished with the work, I decided to give myself a treat. =)

So off to the canteen I went, in search of gratification. Alas, everything had sold out by then (it was 3) and I settled on a tuna sandwich. So I walked around and pondered how I could reward myself and lo and behold, as I turned the corner, I found the answer. Haha. For all of you who are new or oblivious to the NIE canteen, there is an ice-cream vending machine in front of the bookshop. Haha.

I like the machine. It's a very happy experience when I get to use it. So I went into the bookshop to get change and bought my favourite chocolate cone ice-cream. So this is how it works:

1) You look at the poster which indicates what ice-cream's on offer and the price (which just went up by 10 cents..like,wtf?..got government tax on ice-cream oso ah?)

2) You put in your coins into the coin slot.

3) You make your selection. It's just a number but since there are two numbers for each type of ice-cream, you gotta make the right choice. Why? hehe..

BECAUSE THE MACHINE IS AN EVIL MACHINE.

4) Then, when you've made the selection, the lid of the ice-cream freezer will open. Pretty cool la. Must watch the progress.

5) Then a hose comes down from the top and manouveres itself directly above the slot containing your choice. Here's why you gotta make the right choice. The slot is usually filled from top to bottom. If the choice you made gave you an unlucky slot where the ice-cream is at the bottom, there is a chance when the hose pulls up your ice-cream, it will get snagged and fall off.

6) A vacuum initiates and the hose sucks your ice-cream and manouveres it to the collection point.

Then the most idiotic thing happens.

7) The hose's vaccum shuts off and your ice-cream FALLS. WTF! Can't you put it down gently? There was this once my ice-cream got dropped and it hit the side of the freezer and got dented. Oh well, at least it didnt get snagged and dropped back into the freezer like some unlucky bloke before me. Haha.

8) Then you enjoy the ice-cream.

So there I was; happy as a bee, snug like a bug, eating my ice-cream. =) And the weather was hot so it was a welcome relief. =)

Then as I sat at the bus-stop waiting for the bus, I realised something.

I chew my ice-cream. o_O

I always wondered why my ice-cream finishes way before anybody else's. Then it hit me. And I went, 'Dude, why are you chewing your ice-cream?'

And I replied, 'I dunno. I always thought this was the way to eat ice-cream.'

Hmm, I have a thing about food having texture. The only thing that doesn't need texture as it passes through my throat is fluids. But food has to have texture. If you see me eating, you'll realise I like to get food that has a bit of hardiness in it. I've got to chew..same goes for ice-cream.

Oh well, I was snug like a bug so I didn't worry too much.

Got home. Plonked on the bed. Napped. Princess messaged. Called her. Talked. Got up from bed. Watched TV.

Haha.

Friday was a nice day too. =) Cos I got to spend time with Princess.

I figured she was busy cos she had a course so I didn't send her her usual morning message. Then about 11 she messaged me asking if I'd like to meet. And I said I did. Haha. I'll always say yes la, silly girl.

So after a day of lazing around summore and prayers, I went to meet her at 6. We had wanted to catch a movie but all the shows were so late so we decided to have dinner at Delifrance. Which I must say, although I wouldn't say is too bad, is bad. Haha.

Hmm, I guess franchising is a risk. Sometimes people compare one outlet to another. I shan't be too hard on them cos I was happy. =) I was with the girl I'm so in love with.

So we had dinner and talked and she was telling me about her course.

Princess: You know we had this exercise we were doing where we act like customers and rate the service we are receiving. Like if its the bare minimum, then we say its 'Criminal'. And we have to do these hand gestures and intonation and facial expressions. It was fun. Then the next level up is 'Basic'; then, 'Expected'; then 'Surprising' and 'Unbelievable' (at this point I would like to say that I think there is one more point which I can't remember).

So she goes on to explain each level and stuff. It was interesting and she looked like she had fun so I just listened and smiled.

Food came. And as usual, I'll give some of my food to her cos it gives her a taste. Haha. It's like those animal shows where the male bird shoves food to the female with his snout. I like birds. Especially Penguins and Hornbills. You know why? Cos they're cute and colourful..and..they're monogamous. Yes. They only have one partner for life. And if that partner dies, they don't find another. Swans are monogamous too. =) So see? If birds can do it, why can't guys?

Then we walked around for awhile before heading home. It was a nice weather to walk in and the wind kept blowing her hijab. It was so cute and she was so beautiful. =) Truly, a walk to remember.

SO I sent her off and started walking back to the interchange to grab a bus home. Was pretty happy. Haha.

Then today, I sent her off to tuition. So another happy start.

I thank God profusely for giving me these times to spend with her because I find no better joy than seeing her face and her smile; smelling her fragrant scent; and hearing her wonderfully sweet voice. And in every experience, I am reminded of why I love her and how lucky I am to have her in my life. =)

Alrighteys then. Want a laugh? Go look at the traffic cameras of cars leaving Singapore into Johor. Haha. I thank God I'm not there. But I hope they catch him.

Hai..that's it for now. Busy weeks ahead. Term's coming to an end. 4 more weeks. Then many months of sedentary nothingness.

I miss your cute, button nose already.

I love you, Nur.