Act 1, Scene 5: The Blob

It's the weekend..again.

I hate weekends. Why? Because I can't get to see Nur. And we usually don't talk on weekends too. I want to..but we don't. Go figure.

Anyway I just got this head-bobbing toy from Causeway Point on Thursday and I put it in my car. I don't know why but I just find it so cute when it starts to bob its head when exposed to sunlight or flourescent light. Ha.

I sent my usual morning message to Nur when I woke up..its now 9:22pm. She hasn't replied. o_O

Yesterday we had a slight misunderstanding. I guess it's my fault. Because I'm so persistent. Nur's rejected me a few times but yesterday, I kinda got the confirmation of it. To say I was heartbroken..is an understatement. Lying on my bed, I prayed it wouldn't hurt so much.

I'd asked her out at the last minute to Funan cos I'd wanted to look at laptops. She told me, after our misunderstanding, that her mum had asked her to go home early last night. So I said it was ok.

On my way back from sending my dad off, I decided to see if she wanted a ride home since it was on the way. I texted her but got no reply. So I thought I might as well drive by and try again. As my luck went, she was waiting for a cab. And I got there a fraction of a second in front of the cab. Boy, was she surprised! Ha.

In the car, she told me she was meeting Amin for a while. By then, my heart was so broken, my reaction was, "Huh..." (as in a surprised but uninterested manner). So I said I'll just drive her there so she wouldn't have to waste money on cab fare. (What was I to do?...leave her on the side of the road?...I'm not that kind of guy =P) So on the way back we got to talking. And I asked her when she was breaking up with Amin. I kinda always ask that question. But she always says shes waiting for the right time. I'm fine with that. I just hope it won't hurt her that bad.

I love Nur...alot. I don't deserve her and I understand her reason for not wanting to accept me. People would talk and stuff and I don't feel it's fair for her. She deserves someone better. I guess... =S

So we got to talking and I just couldn't care about how sad I was anymore I just said some stuff.

Me: (all of a sudden) Do you enjoy going out with me?

Nur: Yes.

Me: Hmm, only when I don't ask stupid questions huh?

Nur: Duuuhhh....

(After a long moment)

Me: Do you think you'll be happy with me?

Nur: (silence).....I don't actually think about having happiness in a relationship. Even when I was going to be with Amin, I didn't think about whether I would be happy or not.

Me: Ok...just a question.

I often try to placate myself with denials of real-time pain. It's how I often deal with it. So my last remark was not so much a 'question'; rather it was so you wouldn't think I meant anything by it.

I remember when it was Nur's birthday back in July, I made her a card. 2 cards actually (cos I was so kiasu plus I was going off to NIE so I didn't have too much work to do). One card was a birthday card which opened up like a window with a huge rose I drew in it. The other was a kinda brochure promoting myself. (Back then she was single)

I used to draw alot of flowers at that time, trying to make a nice card for her and all the other teachers used to tease me, calling me Flower Boy. Ha. But I just wanted to make something nice and heartfelt for her. I don't know if she still has the cards. I hope she does. I hope she feels as much joy reading them as I felt making them.

On her birthday, we had planned to meet. We had an argument. We didn't meet as planned. I got to her tuition place and we met there. Those 5 minutes felt like the best birthday I could have given her. But she was rushing..So she got her cards,presents and a slice of cake. And I got the best thank you ever -a smile.

On my birthday, she couldn't spend it with me. So I decided that since I couldn't have my wish, I didn't want to spend it with anyone else. So I drove my friend to her parents' shop in Arab Street and went to the mosque in Tampines to pray. And I spent my birthday evaluating my life. My birthday was during Ramadhan, so back then I prayed for Nur and Amin to be happy.

Why am I reminiscing?

In one of the cards, I mentioned that I would only be able to wait for Nur up to 2 stages.

One: My birthday
Two: The end of the year

There's 15 more days to the end of the year.

If its love, why did I set an ultimatum? Because, don't you think I need to be fair to myself? It's not a true ultimatum. More like a condition or guideline. I'll wait for her till the end of the year and devote myself truly to her. But I cannot, beyond that, promise such devotion.

Firstly, because if it hadn't worked after so long, it never will. Second, its not fair for me to keep feeling such pain of rejection. Time and again. =(

I just hope Allah will open up her heart to my sincerity and help her accept me. I'm willing to make changes if given the chance. I just need that chance.

Hai...how did this entry get to be so depressing?

Anyways on a lighter note, I played soccer with my JC buddies today. We were from JJC. They're mostly in the universities now but one of them's in the Air Force and a couple of them are doing part time studies. They're all Chinese too except for one. Ha.

I arrived late so I only got to play a few minutes. But I do like to think I made an impact. Got off 3 shots on goal but none scored. But my team still won. Ha. =) and when it got time to go home, it rained so heavily. I dropped off a couple of friends who lived nearby and we imagined the drop to be a parachute jump cos one of the guy's with the Air Force. Ha. We had the lights coming on and everything. Kinda lame but we don't meet often so we usually get up to shenanigans when we do.

I used to be the brash, I-don't-care-what-the-f*cking-world-thinks one in the group. But I kinda mellowed down and the guys can't let go of that. They always try to get me back to the way I was before. But I guess I'm maturing..ha. =)

Oh and the title's for this fat guy who wasn't wearing a shirt while playing soccer with us earlier (NOT ME!!). Me and my friend were part-time commentators on the sideline when we weren't playing. Of course we were speaking Malay..Ha..he would have sat on us otherwise. =) Thank God I wasn't the goalie. My friend was. Ha. And he kept telling me to tell the guy to put on his shirt cos everytime their team had a corner kick, The Blob would rub up against my friend and cover him in his 'ESSENTIAL OILS'. Ha... =O. The Blob got elbowed in the mouth by my Air Force friend for his efforts, by the way. Hahahahaha.

So that was my roller-coaster Saturday. Overall, kinda ok. I didn't think so much about what happened yesterday. I hope everything's ok, Princess.

I love, Nur.