Act 1, Scene 3: Miles

This Scene begins well enough. On Sunday, I went to T3 with my young cousins and walked around. We got to look at lotsa stuff but I don't feel like saying it out.

Today, I had my GESL project stuff to do. So we went down to ACRES in Sungei Tengah and all I did was shovel topsoil into a wheelbarrow and wheel it up and down a hill. There were some pics but I guess you've gotta check out my Friendster profile for that.

More importantly, I met Shukor last night for dinner. Shukor's my best friend. He's a grand 6 years older than me but we clicked upon our first meeting. Anyway, I really treasure his advice and we rarely keep things from each other. It's kinda like having a girlfriend. Ha.

Anyway, he brought his elder sister and her husband to dinner cos he was from work. And I got treated to dinner. Yay! After dinner, we both headed to Yishun Dam while his sister and her hubby drove home. Was about 12 then.

We got to talking about life and the subject fell to Nur. Shukor's always been supportive of my choices but he's not too happy about the stuff that had happened before between me and Nur. He was there when she chose to go back to her ex boyfriend and back then, he told me I shouldn't waste my time going after her. I guess he was looking out for me and it got so bad, I actually had to lie to him a few times to avoid getting scolded. But this time around, I told him things were gonna be different.

I love Nur. More than a friend should. Because I care about her and I hate to see her hurting herself. But from the very beginning, she's told me that we could never be more than friends. I always feel sad when she reminds me of that, but I never felt that things could never change.

Recently, Nur's been having problems with her relationship. I ask her from time to time about her boyfriend because I would really have liked to see him treat her better. During Ramadhan, I did what every guy who's defeated would have done, I prayed that she would have a long and lasting relationship with him. I would include their (Nur's and Amin's) names in my prayers; for Allah to grant them guidance and to have a smooth relationship. And I was content with just being a friend. In short, I prayed for what I really cared about and that was to see her happy.

Ramadhan was 2 months ago. And now, her boyfriend is back to treating her badly again. It hurts me to hear her cry and sob when she's telling me about him. And I always want to tell her I'm here for her. But to her, I'll always be here as a friend.

I'm not a good guy. I miss prayers sometimes and I swear often. Often, people who just get to know me will say I'm quiet, reserved and a loner. But its not because I choose to not socialise. It takes a while for people to accept me for who I am and sometimes, they will never. My jokes are off-colour. They are kinda crude and some people take offense to that. So sometimes, I keep to myself to not make mistakes.

I have had just one relationship that was of any worth to me and even so, I was too young for it. When I was heading off to NS, I prayed to God that He would have spared me the heartache of a relationship till after I had finished. Even then, I always took note of others' relationships and how they make it work. From there, I often make conclusions to how I would react in my own relationships.

I am neither physically attractive or suave with words. I find it hard to express myself emotionally when face-to-face because of my past experiences. But I make up for it by treating a girl well;the way she deserves to be treated. Sometimes, they reject me because I am too persistent, other times, because I was too fast. But almost always, its because I am not physically pleasing.

I am extremely romantic. I believe that relationships last because each party has transcended physical attractions and are genuinely interested in each others' company. These relationships will never break down because of a cheating partner because both have gone beyond feeling attraction of a physical nature.

It surprised me that Nur is not. Her past relationships rarely feature genuine romance. And she feels awkward when I do stuff like pay for her meals and purchases and hold open doors for her.

I also am strongly monogamous. I never believe in having multiple interests and have almost always been faithful to a girl I am woo-ing. But all the attention they receive may go towards feeling that I am moving too fast.

But of course, I am idealistic because I am not attractive. And I never will be.

What happened to the idea of being together because of love? Does love only exist because you're attracted to the person?

Nur has asked me many times why I am so keen on her. Yes I admit she is stunningly beautiful. But I have never based my choice on that alone. To me, she's close to being perfect. I enjoy her company tremendously. I love talking to her. I love her wit. I love her quirks. I'm sure from reading all I had to say about her, you would have come to that conclusion yourself.

One of my friend said it was an infatuation; that it would pass once I feel the pain of rejection.

I've felt it, many times. Yet I still love her. Is it still an infatuation?

I once posed a question on a website:
Is it better for us to hold on to someone we love but who doesn't love us back?
Or should we spare ourselves the pain and move on?

The answer:
We should move on because the person does not deserve us.

Shukor, 12:26 am:
She doesn't deserve you, bro.

I almost cried when he said that. Instead, I looked off into the distance.

I told him I don't want to invest my feelings this time around. I would just be content with treating her well and making sure she knows how much I love her. And if we end up together, Alhamdulillah (Thank God).

Nur needs to realise some things for herself. She has said them to me, but I doubt she realised what she was saying.

She needs to stop getting into relationships based on physical attractions, because most times than not, the guys are after THAT. And when you refuse, they will hurt you.

She needs to realise that there are many decent guys out there who love her for more than her beauty.

She needs to stop classifying guys as FRIENDS and POTENTIAL BOYFRIENDS. Because most times, those in the former, deserve her more.

I prayed on Sunday night for a couple of things:

1) For Nur to realise that I truly love her and to open her heart to my sincerity.

2) If she chooses not to, that:
(i) God will grant her someone who deserves her and who will make her happy.
(ii) God will not allow me to feel so much pain this time around, when she rejects me.

Refer to my first ever post:

I am a guy.
In love with a girl, who is in love with another guy.
And not in love with him.

Will she give me a chance?

The pain I feel is real.

I love, Nur.