Act 2, Scene 14: Why so many Scenes?

I need to go to Act 3 soon.

Hmm, but I'll need a reason first. (Not like I'll stick to it. Look at Scene 1)

Today's Wednesday right? Oh no..It's Thursday already. Which means its been two days since I saw Princess. =(

I didn't even get to talk to her today. Just a short conversation while she was walking to her movie. Not nearly enough. Hai..

I felt kinda sucky today. I don't know why. I'm caught up in this conundrum where I kinda dislike going to school (partly cos of what's happened in the last semester and also because I hate 2 tutors now instead of just 1). I still have my mentor though. But I just dont feel the joy I used to. I can't explain it.

But I think I'll try.(Those of you who want to preserve your admiration for me STOP reading now, I'm in RANT mode)

During the holidays, I spoke to some people I havent spoken to for some time. I guess it was because I was bored. So anyway, I kinda ask too much sometimes; I always need assurances and to know the fail-safes so that I would be prepared for an eventuality. But talking to these people set me thinking; about the person I thought I was..and the person they perceieved me as.


The person I was five-seven years ago:

Back in secondary school, I was one of five Malay students in my school's express stream. We were three guys and two girls. I had one other Malay girl in my class. So most of my friends were naturally Chinese (my school had a near-zero Indian population due to the lack of a Tamil-language teacher). I had one best friend throughout my days in the school and he was a Malay guy.

Then I moved on to a JC. I had wanted to try for a Poly slot but I couldn't find anything that would interest me. I had wanted to take Nautical Studies but my parents wouldn't allow me to. So I went to a JC. In JC, there was a sizeable Malay population. But due to my 4 years spent around a mostly-Chinese crowd, I took to them faster than I did with the Malays. To think about it, I wouldn't be able to name a single Malay girl I went to school with other than those I already knew.

In both those institutions, I was branded an outcast because of my reluctance to mingle and my obvious difference from my peers. I had a select group of friends who I chose to mix around with but I never had that many.

After JC, I went off to NS. Let's just say I survived that ordeal based on my well-grounded basics of back-stabbing.

Then I languished for a couple of months before starting to work in a school. It was a new experience but it was never difficult. I enjoyed it. And I made new friends.

Relationship-wise, I've only had one. And it's suffice to say, she was..loose. After what happened, I decided to stay away for a while and just concentrate on myself for a change. When I started working, I thought, might as well get back on the wagon..but things did not turn out for the best.

Person I was two years ago (2006):

I felt blessed with the friends I had made and I could see a positive change in me. I was no longer painfully shy and afraid of being in a new situation; I was no longer brash and impulsive; I had learnt the value of a patient conversation. I felt, for the first time in my life, I had matured.

Then last year, I took my new found self to school. For the first time in 5 years, I was back in school. I told myself it was a new beginning and a chance for me to prove to myself that the change is a positive one. I made lots of new friends. And I enjoyed most of my lessons.

Outside school, I met a wonderful girl. From the very start we agreed that we were in it for the friendship. And we are still at it. It's still a new friendship but we're growing positively and I treasure every moment God grants me to spend with her. I would be lying if I said I didn't love her and that I don't want anything more with her. I hope God grants me the opportunity.

I digress.

I had my ups and downs but I still tried to remain positive.

Then something happened that brought me crashing down to earth and force this self-analysis.

Someone said I was 'self-absorbed'.

Those closest to me know that I have a serious case of inferiority-complex. And when that revelation hit me, I felt like all my years of transformation had gone to waste. I started a nervous analysis and I looked at my relationships with those around me with terrible scrutiny. I overanalysed and was over-sensitive and the people I had worked so hard to be close to were now pushing me away.

I was...crumbling.

I was walking with a classmate on Monday after school. She had wanted me to accompany her to the clinic. On our way back, as we were talking, I bumped into my best friend from Secondary school. We said our customary 'Hi's and parted after a short exchange. As we continued walking, she asked me, "Who's that?" and I told her, "My ex-best friend". She laughed and said, "Got such thing, meh?". You know what?


I couldn't answer her.


On Tuesday, I lied to Shukor about fixing my car. Initially he was to go with me but since Princess was in trouble, I told him I was going with someone from school. He said, "Yea la.Who am I?..people in NIE are different." I didn't reply.

Two questions linger now for me.

1) Am I a bad friend?

2) Do I offend people, unknowingly, with the way I speak or the way I look?

"Do all your girlfriends have good-looking boyfriends? Is that a criteria when they're choosing a guy?"

"Yea..most of them."

You know what went through my mind?

"So you're ashamed of me?"

I always wonder why I have certain friends and why I can't be friends with another group of people although we share mutual friends.


"You laugh like Lisa."

"Good la. Next time when I look at Patrick I'll think of you and when you look at Lisa, you'll think of me."


I don't know what else to say. I'm already crying now. Maybe it isn't a good time to think.

I won't, then.

Goodnight.

I love, Nur. Very much.

=(