Book 3, Chapter 1, Act 1, Scene 1: R-evolution

To think I have to start a new book when I'm feeling sick. =P C'est la vie.

It's been a month of self-reflections and answering questions I was afraid to ask. I am still alive and kicking; albeit I do have more than my fair share of cuts and bruises. But I am still thinking, therefore, I am.

Let me just get out of the way what needs to be said for the first and last time. At the end of the last book, I mentioned that I am moving away from this site and blog because of certain personal reasons. I believe that since that has been sorted out, I shouldn't be moving on to another site.

To lose someone who meant so much to you is really hard. But surprisingly, I found it much easier this time around. Maybe it was because I knew it was coming, or that I had come to the point of 'tawar hati', or maybe even the combination of the two. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I had fallen out of love with her. On the contrary, I loved her so much, it was hurting our friendship. But deep down, I knew it would have turned out this way, sooner or later. And for the sake of her happiness, I'd rather it be sooner.

Why her happiness you ask? Because leaving was never an option for me. It became harder(easier?) when everything you did was wrong and everything that went wrong was conveniently blamed on you. And being the person that I am, I let it be. It came to the point that I felt that if I argued, I would only push her away. SO I let it be...and everything that went wrong, became my doing.

And so the pattern begins - the non-replies, the anger, the hate, the frustrations and finally, the ignore.

And for me, the realisation came when Shukor asked, 'Why did you give up so easily now?'

'Because I knew that in the end, if I loved her way more than she could ever hope to love me, she would still leave me. And I would only be forcing her to be with me for that moment in our lives and it wouldn't be fair.'

'Anyway, she could never love me. So there's no point. I am only prolonging our own suffering.' was my reply.

Then he asked, 'So what did you do?'

'What could I do? I wished her the best and hoped she could wish the same for me. But she didn't reply. From time to time,I think about her and I send her a text. But I know all I'm ever going to get is silence.'

And finally, it hit me. That I had known from the very beginning how it would end. And I was doing everything I could so the day wouldn't come, not realising with every effort, I was moving closer to the day. Everything I had said to assure my friends, was now coming back to haunt me. And it was, my fault.

The most hurtful thing is that, I could not understand how she could hate me so much. After all we've been through in our friendship, that hurt the most.

So what now?

I've decided I am going to observe now. Honestly, my heart is so broken, I can't imagine risking it to another person right now. And so, I withdraw; beaten and defeated. Every breath I take reminds me of the stinging pain in my lungs.

And I smoke. And I eat. And I sleep. For this moment, I distract myself.

On the plus side, I work hard. As hard as I can..to prove to myself, once again.

I only have to prove myself to one person. I have no one to work for anymore. And so, I must prove it to myself.

And from time to time, I allow myself a memory of her.

When another girl wearing Escada walks past, I smile.

Or when I visit places we used to frequent, I smile.

Or when I eat what she used to like, I smile.

But they are all I have left of her. Memories.. but at least, they make me smile.